~The Shadow Behind the Mask~

2012-02-08T06:17:00.000-08:00

I'm obsessed with food now.

Every time I start a new diet, I need to get past the first few days where I feel like cramming my face full of food, and make it to the next few days where I fall into the "I don't need any food at all to survive" and then I'm safe from then on till the next Lunar New Year.

Now, however, any smell, any sight, the smallest things will trigger my cravings, and then, you should know, those are the hardest monsters to beat.

Forever trying to remind myself that my body weight is getting out of hand, and I'm going to regret whatever I put into my mouth, but when I'm actually eating, all the guilt and self-awareness gets blocked behind the hazy comfort of a (too) full belly and the still-tingling taste buds. And then, the bastard guilt that disappeared when I need it, shows up dancing around in the form of the straining waistline on my shorts.

Thanks so much.

Really in a bad mood. Shall just rant in my diary and stay far away from civilization. Will update something that has a bit more content and substance the next time. Sorry guys, I think I roasted your eyeballs and dulled your senses.

2011-11-12T05:46:00.000-08:00

SHINee Jonghyun SWC Nagoya Solo: Boku wa Kimi ni Koi wo Suru

If my wishes came true, Your sadness would fill me Please throw away those feelings I will endure them for you. When future paintings and maps are lost, I would still have seen a tiny part of you. Goodbye, Thank You, I love you, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, Don't cry, Silly you, Words that I want to convey are flowing endlessly, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. Your dreams will come true, As it could be said with all your dedications and with your heart When I'm no longer here, I have not disappeared, You will still find the threads of love of our hearts. Goodbye, See you next time, I'm sorry, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, In this way, Silly you, Painful Love, Endlessly loving, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. The eyes of love and the pain of affection, Long ago you gave to me an unforgettable radiance Goodbye, Thank You, I love you, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, Don't cry, Silly you, Words that I want to convey are flowing endlessly, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. Goodbye, See you next time, I'm sorry, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, In this way, Silly you, Painful Love, Endlessly loving, No matter how many times, I will cry out “I love you”, Goodbye...

This is Key's favorite song.

Okay. I'm sorry. I don't know what kind of love they are having between them. I just think that this love, whatever it is, is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

And, thank you, my fandom friends, though I doubt you guys would ever read this. It seem funny that I depend on you guys though my slump when I have much older friends around. But thank you. For letting me go crazy without judging me. For letting me be all emotional without questioning. For giving me another world that I can run away to when things get too much to handle. For supporting me, both in SHINee World, as well as my endeavors irl.

샤이니워드 친구들, 무슨 말을해야할지 모르겠다. 그러나, 고맙습니다. 정말, 고맙습니다.

2011-08-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

It's only till when I actually said it out loud then I realised that I meant what I said: Birthdays mean nothing to me at all. We grow older, day by day, so what makes it special that we are exactly 1x years old?"BTW, yay~ I am one year older, and so are my cells, meaning that I'm one year closer to waking up and finding eyebags and wrinkles on my face. Hurrah!" I guess I just feel grouchy turning older.

School starts tomorrow and I'm as prepared as I can be in the current circumstance, considering a hiatus of all neutron activities of 8 months(those guys have it worse). Am now trying to cram BizLaw in, but I don't understand much of it and I'm pretty exhausted.

okay randomz:I'M BLOODY SICK OF DEJA VU!!!either you let me be clairvoyant, or just go the hell away.

back to topic.

I hope I didn't screw up in my planning of modules or something. Is this what it is like to be an adult? Stampeding through life while hoping they didn't screw up any decision that they made on the way there?

Met up with one of my dearest dearest dearest friend in the world, TAN SHULING HELLO I LOVE YOU BIG BIG OKAY 너무너무너무 사랑해!!!I'm so glad that life has been good for you, do update often okay!

Meeting up with her just made me realised how different our schools are, and how much we are influenced by both our decisions and our environment. Still, deep down, we are who we are, whether we peel away layers, or add on more, essentially, we won't lose ourselves. We'll just be buried deep. Very, very, very deep.

kthnxforreadingbai.

2011-08-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

This is going to be random:

1. It annoys me how some HK drama would have those kind of slogans that everyone chants together. That and the sappy looks they give each other when chanting. I think I hate it so much because nobody does that in real life actually, and putting those lines in destroys the story the cast is trying to bring across.

2. My 2nd aunt is back from the US for a visit!!I missed her a lot, the last time she was here was 2 years ago.

3. I put on a lot of weight these few days because my family kept running around looking for good food for my aunt and her family to try. Not complaining though.

4. My little cousin(he's 15, but he'll forever be my little cousin) has a really buff body from all the swimming. His face though, still looked like the 13 year old I last saw 2 years ago. So I get very disturbed when he goes around topless, not because I'm a freaking conservative Asian, but because he looked like he implanted someone's chest that doesn't match his face. Or implanted his head onto a buff body that doesn't match.

5. Bossing is finally over for me,thank god. Took 5 CUs. Hope I'm not dead by the time midterms are over.

6. I'm freaking tired now, having just spent the day at USS. Seriously, I never thought I'd be bored by the themepark. All except for the battlestar. Clocked my total number of battlestar rides to 15, 3 up from last visit, since there was really a lot of people today.

7. I love KooMaylynn. And Ree. And Sudardar. And all my other best friends, husband, blah blah blah.

8. My freaking headaches are back. Not as strong as before, but still enough to annoy me.

9. It's only a week left till school starts. OMG.

10. There are some people who have really dark characters. They throw words around carelessly, not caring that they hurt people, sometimes even intending damage to be done. Yet their darkness acts as a contrast to people who speak kind words, act generously, who strive to be as useful as they can to the people around them. Frankly speaking, I sometimes prefer the mean-spirited. They show me that imperfection is tolerable.

11. I cannot get used to audio books. I guess I'm a visual person, so when I listened to audio books, they just glide over me.

12. There are still loads of things I want to do, loads of life that I want to live, adventures that I want to go on, and, can I just say that I don't want to grow up so fast?

14.I keep thinking that I'm making a mistake somewhere. I keep looking back. Someone needs to buy me a rearview mirror so that I can do it easier.

15. Jodi Picoult seem to have her books centred around the legal system.

16. I skipped 13 coz it's an unlucky number

17. I want to continue learning Korean now that my basic class is over. Any recommendations :)

18. I'm sleepy.

19. Good night.

2011-07-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

You don't understand, do you?

You never did. You walk in all assuming, then judge me for what you think you know about me.

All these is driving me to insanity.

I don't understand how you can preach of lessons and theories of life, of humans, yet fail to delve deeper to truly comprehend what I am trying to convey. And I hide behind modern technology to give voice to my vexation. It is not cowardice that drove me thus, but the knowledge that you will, at the end of the day, still maintain that you are right.

If you really want to know what irked me. If you really want to understand and not just to berate without reason.

Being a person who has to schedule for weeks ahead every single day, why is it difficult for you to inform me at least two days ahead that my presence is needed? You didn't bring me up to forget my roots. You didn't bring me up to be ungrateful and unreasonably disrespectful. You didn't bring me up to disregard family over friends. Then why would you expect me to be all of these? What really made me so peeved is not those last minute scheduling, though I hate disruptions to my plans that are carefully laid out, but that you didn't think much of me to be able to uphold the values that were painstakingly instilled in me from a young age. It did not feel good that you thought me to be a lesser person than I am.

Damn.

Sometimes, I think about why I went through such angsty teenage years. Why they were full of thoughts like "I shouldn't care about all these." Why I envied the psychological make up of a sociopath. Because what they said was true. Those that you would catch a bullet for, are mostly the ones behind the gun barrel.

I need to stop being swayed by the opinion of others. I generally make choices after considering suggestions and advice from friends, and over-rely on them to the point that I have not even dyed my hair. I guess I have this need to be accepted. I dare not do drastic things like dyeing my hair, or cutting it a different way, without asking for feedback before hand, because to me, people saying "God, her new hair cut is really ugly" or "Oh my god is she trying to attract attention with hair that colour?" behind my back is more than I can bear. This compulsive need to be accepted by everyone, it makes me scared to go out in striking wear, or to suddenly do something that is different from usual. And I feel a little crippled by this.

Just saying.

2011-06-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

Whoever buys this for me, I'll marry you.

Solo On-ear headphones (Beats by Dr. Dre)

I want this toy because:

5. It has a sleek classy design;

4. It is light and travel friendly, plus most reviews said it's comfortable, so I can wear it 24/7.

3. It has a built in mike, so you can use it as a handset. A cool,stylish handset that lets you talk in HD surround sound

2. It has an amazing bass system for driving in that hiphop/dance tune. It speaks quality.

1. Oppa has a black one.

2011-06-01T07:12:00.000-07:00

The truth is, not everyone will have their dreams realised. That is the truth, plain and ugly. Of course, there is still room to alter your dreams, to reach a compromise between dreams and reality. It's just by how much. How much do you want to give way before checking it off as "succeeded"? How much to alter the dimensions of your hopes and dreams so that you can move on to other more practical things?

But I guess the point of dreams is that they are generally unachievable. Isn't there a cliche saying about aiming for the moon and landing among the stars?I guess that is the meaning behind the above statement then, that those shooting at the moon gets stars even if they wanted the moon really badly.

Just saying though, those that landed among the stars, would they not feel disappointed when they are so close to the moon, yet they cannot obtain it, and furthermore have to stare at it all day long, being reminded that this is what they have no ability to achieve?

BIAS

2011-05-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

(via conceptualism) That's it. I did it.

Today, I officially hit 300 pictures of Kim JongHyun, and 100 animated gifs of him.

Isn't he beautiful???He's so beautiful when he smiles,when he cries, when he's acting cool or man,or when he's being dorky.He's beautiful no matter he's being a raptor or a puppy.

Okay so now I'm officially a SHAWOL and a BLINGER and I'm looking at him EVERYDAY on my phone wallpaper, and the "best" thing is, I'm in Singapore.And oppa hates Singapore.

No,M'sia is fine.even indonesia is fine for him. He hates our country T.T

(via keyhorr)

That's it.the moment I graduate,

(via eunnoia)

I'm leaving for Korea.

I'm so sorry people. Normally I keep my fangirl self to my tumblr. Today proved too difficult to cope though, so I'm allowing myself to lose control for a while. It (most likely) won't happen again.mianhae.

(via SHINeeTown)

(anyway guys, some pictures are gifs,that's why they look weird.but the gif actually make sense when played.sort of.)

2011-05-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

#nowplaying Byul(Star) - Kim Ah Joong, 200Ibs Beauty O.S.T

1. Hello everyone! It's been a while. A loooooooong while. :) Have been working at EOCP in Tuas (yes ikr TUAS). Life here is really pleasant, with nice colleagues who are funny people :D and the pay is not bad either, if I didn't take leave once or twice a day every week. No, I'm not a slacker. I want my $50+ dollars a day(before CPF-yes I pay CPF now omigod I feel really old), but people keep calling me.

2. Those interviews. Dang those interviews. It's not just about grades. Its about your character, your passion, your whatever-they-want. And somehow parents just don't see that, even though their daughter scored plenty of dists, scholarships still don't want them. They look at you with high expectations, full of confidence about your future and how that when you have that kinda grades, your education fee is not a worry anymore. It's not like that. I mean, I'm not trying to flaunt and rub it in other people's faces, I'm just illustrating that even we have problems. And sometimes, I feel like just telling my parents I want to lead a life that is not so high-flying, that their and the relatives' expectations(maybe not so beign for the relatives) are suffocating me. That I'm giving up school to go to a dance academy to dance my life away. I feel like solving this tangle like that. But I'm too cowardly. I can already hear what the parents have to say,what my brother have to say.what my relatives would comment. "What a waste.""That's so stupid!""Why would you go do something like that when you have that kind of grades?" But that's what I really want. Why don't they care?The work("Are you sure you can call that work???") might sound frivolous, but it's what I enjoy, and I can see myself doing that while I am still able to, physically. Still, "there's no future for this kind of thing!".

3.It's my darling Shuling's birthday!!saeng-il chug-ha habnida~ grow prettier everyday, and find your niche at whatever school you are going to okay!you smart bitch can surely beat the rest hands down.even if we are not going to see each other very often next time, you're room in my heart is always kept empty and dust free for you :)

4. I've been emo-ing for the past few days. It's not even that kind of productive emo-ism,the "I'm so emo I can sing sad songs with loads of feel" nor the "I'm so emo I could kuso a song.". nope, it has to be the "I'm emo-ing~lala pay attention to me". I'm such an attention whore. It's starting to disgust me, the amount of self-centredness I have, and yet it's so difficult to rein that side of me in. There's always a louder voice saying "Whuuut the hell, I don't care~"

5. You know how some people say that it's really sad if you had to hide your true self behind a mask for the world to see? I think the saddest is that you are just layers and layers of masks stacked together to be switched around according to situations, and your true self is just a bland sentient clump of colourless intellect. Those people have no "true self", nothing to assure them that they are actually of this particular personality. Their masks dictates how they act; the masks are them. :(

6. Idk why I keep getting a fragrance on my desk at home, when I'm not wearing any perfume, and the bottles are kept away in my cupboard.weird.

7. Elections are finally over. All the noisy vans can retire for 5 years(can they claim CPF yet?), before the next election comes around. Congrats to the candidates voted in, especially the worker's party's 6 representatives. Please do a good job, and remember that hard work is needed through all 5 years of your term, not just 3 months before and after the elections. Also note the way the votes have swung. I hope the party recognises that this means the people are getting less happy. Address whatever are the citizens' concerns,and we'll still see you 5 years later; if not, well, be prepared for the People's Mandate. We lost 2 good ministers during this round, and we gained a dubious MP. I think people are finding that the GRC method is becoming less agreeable with them, especially for the Marine Parade contest. However, let's give her a chance,even though many might be disappointed that Nation's Darling Nicole Seah isn't in. After all, the votes are there already, and despite the ruckus online, we're pretty fixed with her.

8. THE FREAKING WEATHER!See, colleagues, that's why we must recycle the pile of papers we dump everyday. If not, we're going to hate the weather almost everyday. And I'm starting to hate living in the tropics. I know we get sun and everything everyday, but with the heat and humidity, I think I'm partial to migrating too. To somewhere less humid, and with fashionable clothes for the 4 seasons. Like Osaka,Japan. Or Seoul, South Korea. Oh damn who am I kidding,trying to be all nonchalent? Just Seoul, South Korea, okay?Happy?

Alright, that looks like all. I've been rambling on and on, and now I'm going to listen to my jjong croon softly into my ear. ^.^ (jjong is my newest obsession)

2011-02-25T07:28:00.000-08:00

Hello:)

I guess I've been living in my own little universe these few months. It's a pretty nice place. Not much stress, nobody to compete with, nothing to truly bother my head about---at least none that I allowed them to bother.

This universe is spiraling fast into a black hole though, and like all black holes, it is irresistible, even though it's a figurative one. I can only watch the inevitable happen.

My self-constructed universe will collapse with the coming of results, and I will have to thrust myself back into the competitive society as (hopefully) an undergrad, vying for scholarships with most of our nation's best, no longer floating around peacefully in "meditation"(not much that I thought about anyway). I'll miss this state of unthinking oblivation and the calm it slowly brought about for the past two months.

Doomsday is now looming ever nearer. Every time I think about it, I get this funny feeling in my stomach, and I can't seem to fall asleep at night.Instead, I kept thinking about how I should have started revision earlier, and with a better plan, with a more focussed mind instead of stoning when I should have been studying. I would lie awake and wish that I had less confidence in my natural ability, and had worked a little harder. Regrets that i cannot do anything about, regrets flowing into my mind at such a rate that efforts of stemming the flow are ineffectual.

I've realised that the fog clears with the arrival of my results also(damn, why does everything hinge upon my results???). Scholarship,career choices...they mean nothing if I don't get enough As. And if I really don't get enough As.....well, there's still FASS.or the application for a second sitting.

Work for the past two months was...can I say, a refreshing experience? It's my first peek into the working life, and although it's rather sheltered still(kids aren't as difficult as, say, picky clients), I've seen enough to be able to extrapolate to the real world. And I don't quite like what I see.But was I too hasty in quitting?True, I detested the environment and how the staff are so inefficient and unmotivated to do their job well, but it's not easy looking for work.I need money, and it's not going to come tumbling into my lap when I'm sitting in front of the computer all day. I guess I might look for another job soon, as soon as those mandatory interviews and open houses are over.

Recently the people around me are facing relationship woes. I guess I am too, but there are just some things that you know you can't do anything about it at the moment, whether it's out of pride or just hurt feelings. Perhaps some time away from each other might do much more good than forced interactions. I'm glad that another group of friends I have are doing much better,though. Treasure these little pockets of joy,whether expected or unexpected, and those would probably be sufficient to tide over rougher times.

Perhaps it's been a long time since I actually put down my thoughts into words. So this entry might seem a little incoherent and emotionless. I'm working on it though.

And Times Magazine, can you quit sending me issues every week, since I've already decided to discontinue my subscription? Also, I've nowhere to store them anymore, my cupboard is already full of your editions, in various states of unread. Some of them have already been used as coasters.

2010-12-31T04:27:00.000-08:00

2010 is leaving,and making way for 2011.

This year, is spent with plentiful laughter, tears, sweat and blood, and a thousand emotions churned into a big box of memories. And now,this box marked "2010" is about to be sealed and stored in that musty room somewhere in my cerebral cortex. A new box is being prepared,stamped with "2011".

Somehow, this year's passing ignited a sense of nostalgia that is unprecedented. Perhaps this crossing carries more meaning than those of previous years. This year, is my last year as a protected youngster. This year is the last of my childhood. Next year, the responsibilities that comes with adulthood would be draped onto my shoulders, whether I'm ready for them or not. Next year, I no longer stay shielded in school or at home.

It's the crossroads. and the situation isn't made better by the afore mentioned blackout, leading to me grasping at the last few wisp of the year,trying to stop the sands of time from trickling through my finger. What a fool. Time is the master, not me.

Look forward. Nobody can live in the past, no matter how much they want to, no matter how beautiful it was. Cling all you want, but the present might turn into something unpleasant if you do.

What does the future hold then? I'm straining my eyes to look past the grey haze that covers the future. Trying to make out the writings on a wordless signboard. Cowering from the sudden appearance of trees in the shadows, whose long and spindly branches reach out to me, grabbing me, entwining me in their gnarled embace....sounds like a nightmare? Feels like a nightmare.

Advices, advices. I appreciate, and tried to follow, them. To live one day as it is, to not think too far into the future, to do things I enjoy now...what is it that is preventing me from living like that?

See now, I had in mind to celebrate the passing of this year,yet I'm rambling about what I already covered in the previous post. Sign of Alzheimer's, or ADHD.

Anyway, to all my friends, a happy new year.

My new year wish?

Start doing the things you think should be done, and start being what you think society should become.
Do you believe in free speech? Then speak freely.
Do you love the truth? Then tell it.
Do you believe in an open society? Then act in the open.
Do you believe in a decent and humane society? Then behave decently and humanely.

- Adam Michnik

2010-12-23T04:01:00.000-08:00

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my way.

A's are over, nothing very trying to burden me for the next 8 months. I should be flying around everyday, looking for places to have fun, to entertain myself, to live.

Yet my life now is far from that. After A's, I don't know what happened, or what caused it, but I got lost. I don't know who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, what is expected from me.

For the first time in my life, I seem to have lost my sense of direction.

Since young, I have always had an aim/several aims in life, that I move,whether slowly and impeccably or stampeding with haste, towards. It might be something small, like acing a test, or something big, like the next education institute to go to. These goals might vary from time to time, might change subtly, or swing drastically in a totally different direction, but I always had something to work towards. That would be my lighthouse, and even when all else is dark, all I had to do was to keep my eye on the beacon. The possibilities of meeting an obstacle becomes inconsequential; there was no doubt that I'll reach my destination, because I have my friends, my family, and everything I was equipped with at birth, or acquired through my journey.

But along the way(or suddenly;either way,I know not), I realised that my guides have disappeared. I'm left wholly in the dark, stranded at a point, with no inkling of where to head to,not daring to take a single step because suddenly, the paths all around seem more treacherous and risky than before. Never have I felt more terrified than I do now. A person who was always moving in the light,suddenly has to accustom to navigating in the dark.

And I realised that I am more alone and helpless than I thought I was. Everything that I had when I had a goal, now become meaningless, because what use is there when you cannot see? In the dark, I have nothing.

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my way.

And I'm still trying to find it.

2010-12-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

"I dont want to walk this earth if I'm gotta do it solo"

-----------"Solo" by IYAZ

After months of being cooped up forcibly due to national exams and other crap, and now I have the freedom to go where ever I want,do what ever I want to do, eat anything I want to eat(well,not exactly.I want to ingest food laden with tons of saturated and trans-fats).

And I choose to award myself for all the hard work by cooping myself at home, watching "My Girlfriend is a Gumiho(that's 9-tailed fox for all those out there)",and watch my pallid face getting even more "pallid-er" from the lack of exposure to the glorious sun's rays.

Don't mistake me,there are TONS of stuff I want to do,like getting to some weird ulu place to sample a little-known-but-very-delicious restaurant fare;get my arse down to orchard and strut around window shopping;learn how to drive;find some dance classes to join;work out in the gym;go swimming....

It's just that whenever something pops into my head,they are accompanied by thoughts of "I don't have anything presentable to wear","my shoes are spoilt","nobody is going with me,so i'll look like a loser walking down orchard byh myself","I'm going out tomorrow,so I better stay in today so as not to antagonize my parents", "I hate running","I have to babysit my gma's maid","I haven't gotten my swimming costume yet","I have no money to fund this","I need to study......no wait,that's in the past now.oh well.i don't feel like leaving the house".....

And so I sit down in front of the computer,and watch "My Girlfriend is a Gumiho". It's a really nice drama,with a good and refreshing plot.I cried while reading the synopsis. And stop laughing.

The point is,I am sick of staying at home all day with me.I'm so irritating that I can't stand me.I would say, let's go search for any potential intern opportunities, and I would retort that it's too freaking early,I'm only planning to start work in January,so let's watch Gumiho.And I and I will watch Gumiho together,and cry about it.

okay,so let's make a list then!

1. I shall pick up at least one tuition kid for a steady income(so that my parents will get off my case) and that'll fund my spending.But I think I'll need 2,given the way I spend.

2. I shall visit the gym/swimming pool at least twice a week.(not really possible)

3. I shall provide (not very)useful suggestions for ruiyun's choreo for the WI,and try not to be a giant gooseberry everytime.

4. I shall go and contact all my seniors and go drink tea and pretend we are tai tai-es.I still remember then that everyone wanted to be one.tai tai I mean.

5. I shall stay in touch with all my secondary school mates and JC mates by asking them out to go to the library and read books with me.

6. I shall go chalet and get tipsy but not so drunk that I babble everything out(a little help from my friends for this one). And I shall keep sihua and alcohol apart.

7.I shall go into rehab for good,and try not to get hooked on addictive and (semi)damaging things in the future(lemon pops are fine^^)Anyway,my medication ends on the day I leave nj for good,so no point thinking about it too much.

8. I shall try to go volunteer at some orphanage or hospitals or something,because I might as well make good use of my time.anyone wanna come along?

9. I badly wanna go overseas or something,go on a holiday!!!anyone wanna come cruise with me?

10. I shall end this list coz I'm getting real bored about it.

I can't blog anymore because I'm so distracted and bored.

Anyways, my pet phrase of the month is, "Every girl has a slut within"

Doesn't mean I'll start acting all slutty in this month where eggnog flow freely, but just thought that everyone should never judge people by their cover,and ignore the deeper feelings within those people.

2010-10-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

They would never understand what it is like to spend every minute of the day putting in effort to not be sad.
They will never know what it feels like to want to stop breathing, just so that the misery will also finally stop.
They will never know the fear and the horror at realizing that the bad memories that plagued them for 3 years and going might be back.
But finally, they will never, ever know how much I want to dive into someone’s arms and cry for hours, just like back when I was young, and crying was okay.

2010-09-26T07:04:00.000-07:00

(Via Jesse Garcia)

CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!

My internet is finally repaired!!!!!actually, I changed my laptop to a newer one, that can link up to my wireless without the screwy lan card. And i don't deserve it,since the reason the lan card was screwy must have been because I did something to it.

(Via longlivethestupid)

Life after prelims are exciting after the long dry spell of mugging in libraries-- ttytt,a little too exciting for a person about to take her A's.

Went out with GH,Will,JW to *scape kbox on friday. Its newly opened,so we thought it'll be a good idea to go try it out. Further more, since it's new, there'll be less holes in the sofa, broken glass on seats, those sort of things. Turns out we didn't choose wrongly!it's by far the best decorated kbox outlet and the interior design is rather cool too! We didn't have to pay an exorbitant amount of money, because it's $13+ for an hour per room, and we split the cost, so end up paying around $7.20 each, for two hours of singing. Of course, that's with member's discount and everything, so those non-members might end up paying a little more than this.

It was really fun, and a new experience to be singing with people not from my clique, and i have to say i sang horribly (because of the curry puff and the Koi on thurs), but it wasn't a bad experience.I was thoroughly entertained by the sight of three grown men dancing to SNSD songs and screaming sho nu shi dae!!! like crazy people, and we end up tweaking the key change so the pitch fluctuated like crazy. All in all, a uber entertaining afternoon with three dudes =) (but next time i'll still be going with my girlfriends.pitch is similar.)

Went orchard again on saturday on a quest for a new pair of shoes with my dear Indri. Initially planned to take only the afternoon off, but ended up staying in orchard late into the night. I didn't mean to, just that.....i dropped my IC and Ez-link card in orchard. I didn't even know exactly when i dropped it, and just strutted around orchard happily shopping. It was only at approximately at 5.30pm, when we were preparing to leave Wendy's where indri was eating her beef chili,to head home, when i discovered my card holder with my Ez-link and IC was missing. therefore, i spent the next 1 and a half hours backtracking where i've been to, leaving my contact number all around the shops in an effort to get them to contact me if they see anything. Indri had to go off to meet her mom's friend, then her dear steven, but that wonderful wonderful girl came back after that to accompany me trouping round the shops to search for my cards. I feel sooooo apologetic pulling her from her date and everything!!and in the end, when i walked around Borders, Orchard ION, Takashimaya and Wisma Atria four times, and about to give up hope even as we went towards far east,I found the god-damned thing in the first shop that I went into that morning to try on a pair of shoes. The owner was soooooooooo kind; they were going to mail the thing back to me(they passed me the entire envelope, with my name and address written on it and the thing inside)!! I was so touched, and they even refused to let me pay for the wasted stamp and envelope!!!I was so so relieved at having my IC back. and i swear my next pair of shoes will come from there. I mean, I was so freaked out I didn't even dare to pick up my dad's call.

I had a great time overall though, with the relief experienced at the end making up for the panic I felt before that, and had a wonderful time walking around orchard talking, looking and trying out accessories, strutting around (inside) the stores in super duper high heels(This is one of the few occasions I really hate being tall;It's so glam wearing heels and everything.Especially when they are >7cm in height) and having the other patrons shooting dirty looks at me because it's pretty obvious I don't need them to be tall(actually I think this is my favorite part, the dirty looks thing.its so fun to piss people off). Even though I think I was a little selfish in that I went around looking at more of what I want to look for rather than an equal share of what we both wanted, I swear I have done a full reflection of my narcissism and it won't happen again!Even losing my cards turn out to be a good thing, since I found it back, and walking all around orchard for 1 1/2 hours has definitely shaped my legs(pity I wasn't wearing heels, just for that extra toning of muscles)

Went over to my aunt's house for steamboat today.wasn't really fun since I was still a little exhausted from yesterday's shopping, and kind of zoned out. Still, I met my new baby cousin, and made friends with the older one, since the last time I saw him he was still crying whenever someone so much as looked at him. I guess being a brother has made him a more matured 2-year-old. Initially had the chance to watch the F1 race today, but I never saw the appeal of sitting there in the din watching for cars that are going so fast you can hardly see them, and ttytt, I rather pig out at the steamboat table.

So it was basically another weekend wasted. I'm really dreading the return of my papers.I mean, I know I didn'[t do well (look at my math), but it's another thing to have it thrown in your face.

Oh wells.I should just go and get the nail polish off my fingers and prepare for a horrible week and non-stop mugging for the next 40 plus days.

Wish me luck.

/edit: And I decided, I want a bikini set. It gives me the motivation to stick to my diet plan, that one day, I can put on that thing with confidence. Yay Indri lets go bikini shopping after A's!!

2010-09-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of studying.If i see another piece of paper about nicotine, i will projectile vomit to infinity and beyond.Projectile? URGHH.

I hate this. And by "this", I mean:

1)standing up after physics to the sound of whooping and joyful discussions about post-prelims destination, and still I am unable to join them-YET.

2)Packing my bag after physics to go home and mug for this idiotic subject which I just come to realise only insane people take(and I am one of them) while for other people, studying is clearly the last thing on their mind-at least for now.

3)Walking out of the side gate alone because some babes have GAMES IN SCHOOL while some byotches have lunch/retail therapy to attend.

4)Alighting 3 stops later than the one I usually alight because I thought the Koi Cafe that's opening at clementi Ave 3 opens today. Apparently, the information is incorrect. Thanks so much you soon-to-be-fellow-red-head-byotch.

5)Walking home in the sweltering heat and greeted by an over-enthusiastic father who thinks I'm suppose to have a cheerful deposition.I don't know why.Didn't ask. Don't want to.

6)Finding out my perfume is leaking through the nozzle.Damn.No wonder its only $38 for 150ml.

7)Realising my internet "Prolink wireless lan card" does not exist when it is blatantly sticking out the back of my laptop, orange light flashing defiantly at me.Had to resort to using up some of my precious 12GB from my phone data plan to go online.

8)Having tons of food in the fridge due to parents stocking up with food from M'sia, which they went over the weekend.It's like WWIII is coming or something. Good in the sense that I will not starve to death. Bad in the sense that I will stuff to death.

9)Realising that from 1200 hrs (when I arrived home) to 1700hrs, I have not cracked open a single book/lecture note.I think I truly deserve annihilation via mechanisms.

10)Feeling that I should have dropped this DAMNED subject immediately after common test, like some of my smarter seniors did a year(or two, can't remember) ago.

11)Having to care about those miniscular things. I don't care about antibacterials, analgesics and stimulants. Really.Erm maybe except caffeine and codiene. And Prozac.but we don't study that kind of drugs anyway.Prozac I mean. Which reminds me that I am suppose to forget about Prozac, and go into rehab, but it isn't easy,trust me.

I know, I'm whinging while there are a couple dozen people with the same fate,but they are using their time effectively to study while here i am whining away like a broken sewing machine. And yes, I'm suppose to study hard and not let Mr Yip down and prove that CM3I Can Make It.I dunno. Whatever. Forget it.

Some positive stuff then:

1)My hair smells nice!after using herbal essence shampoo in liberal amounts, the smell of "Break's over" have been wafting to my nose every now and then. And I just love it. I really need to smell nice, it's like a make up for the visual non-attractiveness. At least I can pass off the smell of my body shower or my Ferragamo Incanto Shine as my personal pheromones(fat hope).

2)Since I'm in rehab, and Prozac is a banned substance(for me), I spotted a Lemon Pop in the national library during one of our study sessions. Shallow, I know, but hey, a girl needs her entertainment.
3)I decided I want to work at Koi after graduating from high school. I like the drink, and I can work cashier(it looks simple enough) and its close to home.Save up for taiwan also.

4)Prelims are ALMOST over! and...

5)I'm going to start studying now and quit wasting my precious 12GB data.REALLY :)

2010-08-29T00:49:00.000-07:00

This happens when you fall in love, but there is nothing to break the fall, so you land chest first, and it hurts more than anything you know.

So why is the government still getting the singles outside to meet people and go on dates?

In the Sunday Times today, lifestyle section, there was a full page about the initiative of the government to look for media and advertising companies to promote their social development unit.Some interviewees, including the dude called Mr Brown (who's actually a Singaporean Chinese and not an expat from the Great Britain, for those unfamiliar with him) who suggested perks for couples and additional income tax for singles. While this article was published in the lifestyle section of the Sunday Times, and hence the underlying motive to amuse rather than inform, but a publication on a full page in the news (regardless of the section) is bound to attract attention, and would consist of a tiny essence of truth in it(thanks, GP content package on the media) however tiny. Who knows, this is probably a mini project set out to test the waters about this issue, and a prelude to a "Love-for-Everyone-Yes-I-Mean-Everyone-Even-You-With-the-Bad-Attitude-And-Ugly-Nose" Campaign.

Not particularly attacking anyone here, but I feel that this train of thought is rather dangerous, and I might be really wary of it, if you'd pardon my cynicism.

1. The article has an idea of promoting dating like how we promote patriotism (hanging of love flags like how we hang our nation's flag during national month) or grandparents day. The prickly issue with love is that unlike for the nation or for our grandparents, the affection and attraction for other singles were not built upon over the course of our entire lives. It's like how my H3 teacher said about my arrow pushing. Random whacking of individuals together with minimal knowledge about their likes and dislikes, interests and habits. In other words, "horrible drawings with zero marks," my teacher said.

2. Providing perks of being in a relationship and penalizing singlehood may not be a good message to get across. Take the example of an income tax levied on a single versus the tax rebate on a couple, for instance. To avoid being taxed, singles would just enter into a relationship for a tax rebate. What the government is trying to do, is to internalise the external cost of being a single, and the external benefits of being in a relationship, by imposing a market-based intervention policy (thank you Mr Goh, Ms Gao and the econs department for all those essay outlines and notes). however, allowing the price mechanism to do its job may not be the best solution.If taxes are imposed too heavily, there will be a mis-adjustment of the consumption of relationships.there will be a overconsumption of relationships, against the will of middle to lower income holders as they would not want to reduce their earnings. People hence enter into the relationship not because of feelings, but because they see relationships as commodities to be obtained for a particular purpose. Is that reasonable?when relationships are supposed to be all about two people being swept away by a whirlwind of romance, it is now just a means to an end. It brings new meaning to the phrase "friends with benefits" and I haven't even begin aproper to expound on the negative influence it will bring to our future generation, the divorce rates, the happiness of people who are together with people they don't really like, the rashness of some decisions...you get my drift.

3. Is it reasonable?is it sane to have a society that grows to disdain singles so that the singles feel uncomfortable to remain so, and as a result, join a social network to unstigmatized themselves? Why should singles not happily remain so, if they cannot find love, but choose to go out of their way just to meet strangers in social networks like the ones in the article? What about those who believe in fate and red threads drawn by some dude called Yue Lao who lives in the skies? Those who don't want to be rushed? Those who take time to grow fond of each other? Those who crave a different and unique love experience? I foresee a dinner party sometime in the future that goes like this:

Dude #1: "Hey,got married recently?"

Dude #2:"Yah! Neh,that's my wife."

Dude #1:"Wow she's really elegant. Where did you meet her?"

Dude #2:"At the social development networking session lo."

Dude #1"I met my wife like that too!"

Dude #3: (overhearing) "Oh what a coincidence, me too!"

Dude #4: (joining in) " I met my girlfriend at the bookstore!"

Dudes #1, #2, #3:(give him odd looks) "Is that a place to meet a girl?"

And after a couple enter into a relationship, will they be recorded in a great brown book(or spreadsheet) of current couples in Singapore so that we can keep track how many potential married couples we'll be expecting? Why do we need to turn entering into a relationship" into "entering into a pre-marriage"? Maybe we'll have a ROR beside the ROM. Cool? Maybe not. Do you want the administration to know how often you change a guy/girl?

I'm not saying I'm wiser than our government, merely pointing out areas that we might want to tiptoe around. After all, we can't teach love, and we really don't want other materialistic motives to come between us and our happiness, do we?

飞鸟与鱼

2010-07-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

世界上最遥远的距离

不是我不能说我爱你

而是想你痛彻心脾

却只能深埋心底

泰戈爾之作 <飞鸟与鱼>

人,总会有难齿之事,而往往为了这些事烦心.

就如此醉生梦死地虚度光阴,但还是可以理解的.

虽然生命中还有种种琐事等待着我们去处理,可遇上了某些人生经历,也难免会彻底改变一个人的思绪和观看人生的角度.有时,这种经历能让一个平时敏俐的聪明人,瞬间化成一个木头.好可怕啊!

还是觉得不论在什么情况下,人多少也要保住理智.若是全心全意的付出,换来的却只是一场空,可就太不值得了.

有些事,就象照片里所描述的一样.外头的风景再夺目,再美丽,如果无法将窗户打开,它是无法真正的属于你.即使风景看起来多么的靠近,多么的的触手可及,它始终和你是两个世界的东西,就象飞鸟与鱼一样,如果成天朝思暮盼,到头来,吃苦的,受罪的,不会是根本都不知道你存在的风景,而是自己.

话说回来了,你们大概都不知道我能用华语PO部落格吧.一定都把我认定是个全全透透的"potato".只是,我还蛮想念用华语来沟通了.也许以后也该常这样.

P.S.以上的内容纯粹本人的意见,若有冒犯,请多见谅,因为我只是坐井观天罢了.

Love is a scary and horrid thing,but it brings the sweetest memories.

2010-07-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

I've learnt that you can't help who you fall for, and no matter how hard you try and how much it hurts you, everyday you just want to be with them or just talk to them and you can never stop trying to make them happy because that's what keeps you going. - via runawaytrain

I've been on a blogging hiatus, it's only so sudden that i decided to resume writing and logging down recent thoughts.

I've never been a good one with writing, if only due to my inability to remember anything that happened more than 3 minutes ago.Much has to do with the failure to keep up with my processor in my cranium, and yes, I am but two of me; one intellectually fast, and the other painfully slow.

From the meeting this afternoon with a certain lackwit and another...(no words to describe), i can only say that there is no way you can predict love(either that or things are just too convenient). I mean, what to say when you see people looking at each other, and you know, unequivocally, that they mean something special to each other, even if it was just for that instant. Which is why I really hate going out with couples; they make you feel so uncomfortable and it feels like an intrusion on your part when they talk to each other, and share something that is only known between the two of them. They do try to include, sometimes, but any individual would know, clear as glass, that they are sitting alone at a table of friends. I think I recently experienced that.more like the feeling of being ignored. I don't really like it, and I don't think the person noticed, but I kind of understand, because every moment not spent looking at a special someone, especially when the occasion is so far and few between, would be one moment less of special memories just between the two of you. I don't know if you realised, or realised I realised, but I just want to say, I really understand.

Life seem to be playing a cruel trick on me. Why let me experience the easy life before the hard? Yet it seem extremely unfair to say that, because some had nothing. I guess all i can do is to be grateful, and take my own future into my own hands. After all, who can you rely on, in the end, apart from yourself?

lastly,

just being random, but i hope people out there would gather solace from this.

2010-07-01T09:06:00.000-07:00

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

This was meant to be a joke, but i found it extremely sweet and sad...i bet the FBI gave Bubba hell when they found out they've been cheated.and he did it anyway because he love his dad and want to carry out his duties as a son.that's sooooo sweet..

2010-06-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

The view from the person sitting inside, looking out, is drastically different from the one outside looking in.
I just happened to look through blogs today, and what i saw really opened my eyes up. These are just personal thoughts about life experience in general and NOT about anyone i know or anything.

Sometimes we've got to look at both sides of a coin. There are things where, when we hear about it from others, seem to be entirely the opposition's fault,or both parties are blameless.but it's human nature to present yourself in the best possible light, and sway your listeners to your side. That is what we studied in GP that's called biasness.

I only just realised how important it is to not allow this to sway you or to cloud your judgement. While we are comforting people whom we thought were the victims, the ones who were really hurting from the incident sits alone,picking up the pieces by themselves. And what of friends who put themselves in a better light and unintentionally(or otherwise) hurt someone else?should we judge based on our loyalties, or our senses when we listen to both sides?(well, both try to sway you; its up to you to judge for yourself.)and the damage doesn't always fall in the way your friends claim.

but you won't know how much hurt the other person is feeling really, just by the account of one,because they might want to downplay it. one might be saying that the lying was deliberate and all that, but the other party might have lied to protect the first. Who are we all to judge based on a one-sided story?

Anyway, all the debating seem inconsequential. Fact is: before we jump to judge something, we might want to make sure that we truly understand what is going on before coming to a conclusion. Otherwise, we'll just end up feeling stupid and cheated, but with nobody to blame except for ourselves for our own gullibility.

2010-06-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

In the past, many people believed that multitasking was a good way to increase productivity. After all, if you're working on several different tasks at once, you're bound to accomplish more, right? Recent research, however, has demonstrated that that switching from one task to the next takes a serious toll on productivity. Multitaskers have more trouble tuning out distractions than people who focus on one task at a time. Also, doing so many different things at once can actually impair cognitive ability.
---The Cognitive Costs of Multitasking By Kendra Cherry, About.com Guide

loneliness can spread much like the common cold. While a cold or flu bug might be spread through a handshake, loneliness can spread through groups of people via negative social interactions. Past research has found that lonely people tend to act more shy, hostile, anxious and socially awkward. They also tend to interpret social interactions differently, often seeing certain behaviors in others as a form of rejection or dismissal. ---Loneliness Can Be Contagious Study Suggests That Loneliness Is Contagious in Social Groups By Kendra Cherry, About.com Guide

2010-06-10T06:16:00.000-07:00

The past two days, I have been weeping, and the first drop always comes from the left eye...In fact, ALL of the tears come from the left eye.

Gotcha, didn't I?Am suffering from a bout of sore eye, and as a result my left eye is now painful and bloodshot and absolutely disgusting i don't dare look myself in the mirror.I freak myself out.ARGH. And I've been stuck at home since wed afternoon because it's contagious, and because i don't want to look like i'm half in a horror movie or something.I couldn't go see the FABULOUS equipments in ICES on JI when i've soooooo been looking forward to it,it's not an eveyday opportunity you get to step into there and we actually can USE the UV spectroscopy and the IR one which is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity since one costs approx. half a million, and I'm probably not taking science courses in uni or working in research next time,so it's totally an URGHHHHHH.and i miss phy consol 2ml, so it's more of a "your phy score won't be good" thing.WTF.

Anyway, enough of the whining about the eyes; let's whine about other stuff. I know, let's talk about secrets.

I have a fair share of them myself, and I really think for a person to develop healthily, he would have had one or two, or more, kept deep within his heart. It's strange, and I don't know whether others feel this way, but to me, a secret makes me feel more, well, me. It's something that only you yourself possess, and in that way, it makes the secret, and therefore you, unique. And if you decide to share a deeply cherished secret with someone, it goes to show how much you trust or love the person to want him to have a part of you.Isn't it sweet??

But then, there are some occasions when a person find out someone else's secret unwittingly. Two situations might arise: the two of them become closer because of that, or the person with the secret distant himself from the "discoverer" so as to try to distant himself as much as possible, so that the "discoverer" couldn't use the secret to do damage, either by hurting him, or just knowing more. Either way, I'm sure the person feel violated in the initial stage. And I'm sure the other person feel bad and shocked about it too(unless the discovery was deliberate). I think it's like someone accidentally walking in on someone else bathing or being naked; one of them feeling vulnerable, the other feeling like it's more than what he bargained for, and both of them just overwhelmed and blown away by all of it.

And I was thinking, what are the kind of secrets that will tear two people apart?Probably those kind of secret held so close, it's practically part of your heart?those that you might feel embarrassed about? Those little things that mean so much to you, but so little to everyone else that seeing it thrown around might just cause your heart to break and along with it, your relationship with the person who threw it around?What shall the person who uncovered it then?if he discovered it with the other person being aware, how shall he face him?if it was unwitting and unknown to the other, shall the discoverer pretend that nothing has happened and walk away? or confront or try to find out more?because no one can leave it as it is, can they?

What kind of secrets can one keep from their friends?really, if one keeps a secret even from his closest friend, it must mean a lot to the person, doesn't it?but won't the friend feel hurt if he accidentally discovered it?

Frankly, everyone has to have secrets, they are entitled to the right to keep secrets, and i think if i uncovered something, i'll just keep it a secret that it's discovered and continue as nothing has happened. Because nothing is every worth the tearing apart of a relationship, is there??

What do you think?

2010-06-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is CRAZY I cannot pin-point the precise reason why I'm duper obsessed with this show, I mean, it's american and everything, but it so isn't Arron. But it's the entire package, and I suppose deep down I can relate to the people in there, as fellow losers and outcasts, misfits, hanging out trying to do what we do best, while the jocks and the cheerleaders rule the hallway and make life miserable(or just make obvious constrast) for the geeks, nerds,misfits and weirdos.

Even when we're both on opposite sides or the world, high-schoolers in America don't seem that much different from high-schoolers in Singapore after-all. We have our social caste in school, we sorta struggle through the self-esteem issues that seem to plague every teen, whether you are whites, blacks, Hispanic, Latina, Asian, Jew, or mixed. School work, family issues, self-identity crisis, boy/girl-issues...you name it, we suffer it. And coping mechanism seem to converge to a similar path(from the looks of the popularity of Glee): music. Hey, that stuff is magic. They have songs for happiness, songs that encourages, songs for break-ups, songs for the angst of being a teen, songs for studying...even songs for bitch fighting.Of cause, there are songs that aren't for anything more than pure enjoyment(or torture,whichever way), but that's user's discretion.

However, I wonder where does the similarities end. I mean, we sit in our comfortable,accepted cliques, we get guidance when faced with issues like slipping grades, all that stuff. But in the show, guys go out with popular girls to boost their own cred, triple-date each other, make-out for no particular reason except that the person was there, buy cups of slurpies to spray on those "losers" in the hallway...let's not go into the parts where they seem to know the dance steps for every random dance spontaneously thought up of, or know how to harmonize perfectly the instant the solo starts,or that the musicians appear out of nowhere, and seem to know what song they want to sing--it's like telepathy. I mean, some of the things the kids do to each other in the show are so incredulous that I have trouble believing that it actually is a common occurrence in high schools all around america. Like, seriously?spraying slurpies?Toying with others so that you become popular? Thankfully we don't see that here. PDA is bad enough. Humiliation just because you are a misfit?that's just plain cruel.

So even though I'm pretty much obsessed with it(so much so that i'll probably be panicking next week), I'm so going to preserve my sanity and stop throwing myself into the show like i did every idol drama I ever watched(which pretty much result in me staring at the screen and crying/laughing/smiling idiotically).

But I'm pretty sure i'll be singing and humming and twitching random muscles like I have epilepsy for the next few weeks.

Do bear with me--I'm a gleek!

2010-06-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

I. Want. To. Watch. Glee.

someone give me a website before i spontaneously combust and cause flakes of ashes and burning inferno to rain onto the dirty streets of clementi.

2010-05-31T09:35:00.000-07:00

It was sublime being able to stand on the stage to dance again,even if it was to an empty LT.
I know I'm not a dancer, at least, not in the sense that everyone thinks(which is, in order to be a dancer, you have to actually belong in a dance group). But i just feel differently for dancing.It's the gasp that follows when you witness someone doing a tour jeté, or a grand jeté faultlessly, not unlike when a singer hits the right note and you just feel like weeping(in my case,probably bawling).It's the way you'll feel when the last jigsaw of a 100 piece-r fall into place; or when you crown the Christmas tree with a star to complete the days spent decorating.
Even though the dance today was far from complicated and hence didn't bring across the above-mentioned "gasp-point", it felt amazing just moving, and it was a small part of a larger retrospection, that made me decide to pen it down today. And being the ineloquent writer that I am, I doubt my point was fully carried across, but it might serve as a hold for me to grasp when the children drive me insane tomorrow, or (oh yeah)if I might forsake my education to hop on the "dark and grimy road" of being a back-up dancer, and when i squat outside my rental flat because I couldn't foot my bills, I would grip onto this initial conviction and somehow find the strength to carry on.
Anyway, life's good when nothing pushes you to walk faster than you are prepared to, or nothing fights against the sloth in you when it just want to sleep that 5 minutes more.Or maybe 2hours more.Whatever. Numbers are for the misers.And despite knowing the rest of me is just going to pay next time for the moment of weakness against that particular deadly sin, my brain seem to be in a holiday-induced haze that seperates the reality from fantasy; more explicitly, what I have to do versus what I want to do. And the wants are winning!oh man they are so winning hands down. and the haves are totally getting thrashed. Which is why I am still awake at 1.30am even though i foresee a grueling day today and the next.
Just randomly saying something: nothing is nothing when your heart protest against its naming.
LOL. and it doesn't even make sense.

something extra: It's a little laggish in posting this, but, about the recent events, I really feel that it's stupidly childish to overreact to something you don't have two sides of the story to. I mean, I'm not telling people not to judge; that's ridiculous and setting too high a standard for society, and to think that people can be blasé about each other is like thinking the moon can kiss the sun(iow, naive and insurmountable). But can't we try to keep that voice tuned right low, if not to ourselves?Ain't we too quick to jump to conclusions?And ain't this Singapore and not some america high school where this prestigious covey sets the rules in this game we call public education? Please, let's all sit back and chill alright?No need to get into fights. I think we're all a little past that now.

THIS IS ME... (Spongebob Style)

2010-05-30T04:45:00.001-07:00

bittersweetcascade:

This is me when I’m BORED.

When I’m HUNGRY.

When you talked to me.

When you DIDN’T talk to me.

When I saw something that HURTS.

When I didn’t get our Math lesson.

When I’m procrastinating.

When you broke my heart.

When you told me something that wasn’t good to hear.

When you lied to me.

When I’m REALLY excited.

When you told me I LOVE YOU.

When someone hurts my best friend.

When I’m with my friends.

When test results will be out tomorrow.

When I’m with you.

2010-05-25T05:26:00.001-07:00

Thank you for staying, just enough till i learn to grow up and let go.

when you feel like giving up...

2010-05-16T21:04:00.000-07:00

i'm in chem now..i know,the vices that technology leads us into.but i really couldn't concentrate now.because i can feel my soul leaving,the passion for learning that has only made my thirst for knowledge greater.it seem now, though,that this thirst has been quenched,and i no longer seek knowledge so ardently.and so my soul has left,because who can stand doing something he doesn't like.day in day out?↲was whining to gareth that i'm dying,but all he told me to do was to find a guy that would make me want to live again.which i thought was extremely shallow.why do i live for another person,especially a man that i (temporarily) feel for,and would do anything for him?because when the feeling fades,or he leaves,what would i live for then?but then,i have to admit i conceded to his arguement.because we all need something or someone to work for,to have a goal.whether to impress or to gain.it might not be a man;it might be parents,family,your dog,my first teddy,anything(that won't leave you(i have an issue with the sense of security thing).and a guy,i must admit,is something,albeit a temporary something.then maybe when you feel like dying,it is this one irrational thing that pushes you on towards an end, no matter how bleak the prospect looks.↲maybe thats the problem with me,that this absence of something to gravitate towards contribue to my lack of(or appalling)spiritual direction sense,that i get lost so easily,and more often than not,a tendency to question my purpose in life.i mean,how easy it would be to answer a question like that."oh,i live for my teddy/grandmother/boyfriend,and everything i do is for it/her/him."↲fact is,i foot really know who is there yet.or maybe because what i rely on scares me so much that i'm relying on it,that i enter a state of denial and not admit that i need it to survive or that i think its really sad that my reason of existence is for this.↲oh well.i am extremely confused.and its math now.so till i blog again.

2010-05-09T00:41:00.000-07:00

"I believe that you will meet two very important people in your whole life; One who loves you more than anything else in the world, and the other whom you love more than anything else.
You'll be touched by the person who love you, and from him, you'll learn that you are beautiful and worthy of love. But it is the person whom you love more than anything else who would stay a part of you, no matter what. It is he who will make the largest impact on your philosophy, your beliefs."
----Shuling
And one can only hope that these two people, they are one and the same.

爱上你

2010-05-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

S.H.E
SHERO
爱上你

[Rap 1]
如果说这世界不够完美不够好

一定是在等我们亲手给它变得美好
就像爱看起来会那么少一定是
在等我们一起勇敢寻找一起找到
[Verse]
一片片落叶为开出个花园
手牵手捱过整个冬天
每只蝴蝶为了飞为了翩翩起舞
先做一个茧
最美海岸线总是要很蜿蜒
才足够让人忘返流连
你的身边要不是比天边还遥远
勇气怎么出现
当我终于住进你的心里分享同一个世界
身后错过痛过漫长情节都变甜美
[Chorus]
只有我了解这幸福感觉
美得值得去付出一切
能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你
感谢我每滴眼泪
只有你明白我有多珍贵
好得值得你为我改变
请你继续温柔交换我灿烂笑容一天一天
到永远那一天
[Rap 2]
Yeh 爱上你有多幸运像是天使的礼物
我们不要辜负这幸福一定要更加幸福
如果爱真的是那么的少我们就
一起守护我们得来不易的爱不被打扰
[Repeat Verse]
当你终于走到我的面前
完成所有的画面
就算苦辣酸甜尝过一遍
只剩喜悦
[Repeat Chorus]
像是大雨过后晴朗的天宽阔而耀眼
每个黎明都需要有夜成全
往回看每兜一个圈
每一条迂回的曲线
都是为爱上你必须留的伏线
只有我了解这幸福感觉
美得值得去付出一切
能够遇见你认识喜欢你爱上你
感谢我每滴眼泪
只有你明白我有多珍贵
好得值得你为我改变
请你继续温柔交换我灿烂笑容一天一天
到永远那一天

2010-05-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

“And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.” — The Kite Runner (via kari-shma) (via elainelainetan)

And life goes on after syf.It's hard to accept the fact that I didn't have to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning,even though it is a relief as well. It's hard to accept that every Wednesday we don't need to stay back in school to rehearse anymore. It's hard to accept that I won't be seeing the 7 other wonderful babes every week anymore. And it's hard to accept that after all we had done, we're probably getting screwed by something that we could have prepared for, but didn't.

Oh for godssake, shuttup. It's acrimony that ravages my soul and my mind, even though I've conditioned myself not to think as so. Which just goes to show how important teamwork is,that we have to watch each other's backs,even though it is kinda hard to do that at that point in time.

I mean, I'm not blaming anyone.I think both the cast and the crew worked hard enough already, and I would specially like to thank the BS crew for all the work and manual labour put in, while we the "big shots" are cooling off in the air conditioned room. Thank you for helping us put up all those blocks and tables and chairs and the enthusiasm you guys had(or put on)m for the competition.
I guess I'm just ranting, even though I told myself not to go back there again, but I suppose I'm seeking closure.as far as I understand myself, just like for orientation, I wouldn't register the end of SYF until the announcement of results or even after that, and then I swear I'll suddenly collapse or something out of grief and the emptiness I feel inside.

Damn I've got to stop letting my life revolve about temporary events/objects/persons, get a grip and focus on what really matters.Because exams are looming, and there is no where to hide, even temporarily.

2010-05-01T09:55:00.000-07:00

theonly-exception:

(via gugu-gaga, twnkletwnklelilharts)

Had SATs subject tests today. the stupid website said the test centre(mine was at ACJC) was closed, and put the add to HCI instead.It made me get up at 6 to check again and to go there early so that if ACJC was indeed closed, we can rush down to HCI immediately.Arrived at 7.15,and realised was scammed by the site,so stoned by myself at their sports complex(where the exam was being held) feeling like a fool a whole time.Thank god daddy sent me down so i'm not further worn out by the bus journey.tq daddy!And i wasn't the only one who got scammed.The exam was suppose to start 8-ish, but to wait for ppl who were tricked into going to HCI,we ended up starting at 9.20am.
Since i sort of screwed it up,dad said i can take again next year if i want to.I think i will,coz if i din't get >750, there's no way i'll get my butt into america.
Lunched with family at eu tong sen street,had la mian at this tiny little shop,then went down orchard for the john little sale.Bought loads of stuff,had to stop myself from splurging on BB creams and stuff(i haven't even finished the one i bought in korea!),but ended up buying the maybeline gel eyeliner anyway.$19.90,and still....haiz i blame it on Cara!!!!xD
ended up spending the entire day outside,and i seriously have to get a start on my tutorials and homework i'm as behind as it is already.

2010-04-25T01:44:00.000-07:00

Darling, I don't know what happened to make it end up like that. The last time I saw you, your were so happy.
but whatever happened, it's not going to stop there. It sure hell is going to hurt, but I hope that you'll find it in you to fortify yourself again that.
no matter what we'll always be there for you.
Chin up, darling.

2010-04-23T07:32:00.000-07:00

There're like, tons of homework and tutorials to do...

I seriously hate the rate at which I'm going through them, i mean, com'on girl, it's not like you're out of time, surely tutorials are not beyond you?

I'm feeling incredulously narked at myself for all the slacking that I've done this week,and more. And attitudes need reviewing too.

Sorry if I sound like I'm being angry at things that are not related to anyone else but myself. But sometimes I just need a vent, and things are catching up on me, and there are only approximately 150 days to A's(OMFG).

But from now on, as soon as Dramafest and SYF are over, I swear I'll start mugging like crazy, no more slacking, and definitely no more EC-ing him.I think.Damn, he need to stop being so adorable.

Selling used HTC Touch2

2010-04-17T22:48:00.001-07:00

Anyone out there buying a HTC touch2 secondhand?

A few wear and tear at the top of the phone, where the black paint flaked off,but generally in pretty good condition i’d say, around 80%.a little less than a year of warranty(just bought it 2-3 months ago) and will come in it’s box.

Price on enquiry.

Reblogged from zennicoleravena

2010-04-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

It was cinemas with drama babes today!three out of 8 of the cast were down for the day so rehearsal was cancelled and we hit the town.nothing was opened at that time though, so we just walked up to lido, stoned for an hour with coffee, and playing taptap for a little while, but just mainly teasing michael about his *ahem ahem*.

that was fun i never knew he could blush like that.

shutter island was really good, and thrilling i still can't believe i sat thru a thriller w/o screaming.maybe it's because there are people sitting on either side of me.

the show really screws up the brain,but you totally can see how the front of the show sets you up for the end. the first time teddy dreamt of his wife,she was bleeding from her stomach,and her back was all charred.well, i guess that was because the entry wound of a bullet is always small and neat,but the exit wound is huge and messy.

enough spoiler!after the movie, daphne went skeedle-dee, and maudie,jerry and jackson went round the shops.

really nice of wk and mich coz their costumes are pretty much settled,and i feel real bad dragging them through far east with me.didn't really want to stay on long as a result, and just went home.anyway the clothes at far east were too young and fashionable for an old woman like me =[[

slacked away the rest of the day reading nicholas sparks, w/o doing any work except to watch the demo on EMI.

I swear,tomorrow I will study!

for now,it's beddy bye.

2010-04-17T04:34:00.000-07:00

“ If you love someone, set them free; if you have to stalk them they probably weren’t yours in the first place."

----Sandra Bollock from "All About Steve"

HAHAHA.

2010-04-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

2010-04-16T07:12:00.000-07:00

2010-04-11T00:36:00.001-07:00

I think this is what we all feel like every school morning. that's what snooze is for anyway.
Yesterday was rehearsal again. Woke up at 6.30 to the sound of the alarm from my phone.Hit the snooze and went back to sleep for 5 glorious minutes.Woke up 5 minutes later trying to turn off the alarm by signaling "4" with my right hand(don't ask; I don't know what I was thinking of either).Fell asleep halfway through rehearsal again, but i don't think anyone saw,so it was okay..
went to serene centre macs after that, and spent a wonderful lunch with the drama babes talking about the play, and movies, and digressing into crap sometimes(that's mostly me).and poor poor jerry is down with sore throat now, i think it was the fries(gasp)! Recover soon okay!!
went down to ion to look at shoes for maud and daphne, and was so caught up with strappy,shiny stilettos that i forgot to look for maudie's sensible heels till i was in the last shop.decided to give it up as a bad case and wear use my prom shoes instead.
went home to prepare for dinner event after that, and wore my pretty booties for the first time ever!put on leggings underneath and thought the bottom looked not bad, just that it shouldn't be with that dress i put on on top.
oh wells.
Anyway, didn't do homework at all this weekend, and it's flashing by already!i'm in deep shit now..

2010-04-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

Half of my brain thinks that there is progress...
the other half tells me that that's bullshit.

Bubbles bursting

2010-04-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

It is never good to let yourself get carried away. When someone does something, or says something, and you feel like floating...well, this kind of feeling will never last. Because bubbles always burst, and when you are falling, you go, oh shit, it's going to hurt like crazy, it always do, and why didn't I think about this before i was floating away?and when you hit the ground it'll not be a gentle landing, that someone or something that sends you up in the first place isn't going to be there to break your fall, to cushion you so that nothing hurts. And when you finally pick yourself up, it is not going to be easy shrugging off the pain to start all over again.

then that someone came along and send you up again just by a single word, a single action, and you forget what happened to you, you forget the pain, and it just goes up and down like a rollercoaster, except that everytime you fall, you fall for real.

I think the best thing is to just let go, because your own heart is partly the reason why he is able to send you up in the first place.

Remember that the higher you get sent up, the more painful the fall.

2010-04-04T01:58:00.000-07:00

I just feel like sleeping...

2010-04-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

Every morning I have to remind myself to be happy.

BS joke

2010-04-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

xt: You know, I felt like I'm one of the outcast in those kind of American high schools, tray in hand and looking for people to sit with in the big cafeteria...

me: Well, you're sitting with the cheerleaders now.

LOL sometimes i amuse myself so much.

2010-04-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

not to mention I don't feel well enough to tackle the to do.oh dearie me.

2010-04-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

I walk around, and imagine everything around me through a camera lens.
i imagine everyone smiling on the best day of their lives.
i imagine the couple sitting in the corner on their wedding day.
i image the heroin addicts, and junkies looking clean and sober,
and the homeless children graduating from college,
i imagine the bitter old woman as a child,
and the depressed individuals looking happy.
so all in all, i imagine the world as it should be. that-girls-photo-site.xanga

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIU HIU TUNG

2010-04-01T06:14:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING SORRY I WENT HOME EARLY TODAY!!!hope your 18th year is filled with joy and love just like today and remember that the love we showed is not just going to end with today!

2010-04-01T05:28:00.000-07:00

I’ve come to realize that knowing something won’t happen won’t make you want it any less.

Ill

2010-03-31T23:07:00.001-07:00

38.3 deg C.

2010-03-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

The simple fact is that,when everything is falling, darling, I don't have anything to hold on to.

It's freaky being me.

2010-03-27T03:31:00.000-07:00

I change my persona annually. And i can't really figure out where I'm heading this year. Much seem to have stayed the same, for those who know me only superficially. Yet things are drastically different now. I don't like it, but I don't know what to do with it either =[

It's like a different person, maybe that's why I have so many names. Each for a different part of me, under the same entity, but of distinct characteristics.

The punch line?

Zero Control.Completely involuntarily, and without premonition. It sucks ttm, to have no control over your mind. Mayhaps its not so much and unable to help than lazy to do it? Surely something can happen, that I can correct this. There's no such thing as impossible. Either you do it, or you don't.

Something will happen and I will make it happen. At the end of the day, with all finality, nobody is going to care whether or not you have a strange personality. The only things that matter are those little alphabets on that sheet of high-quality paper.

Back from boarding!!!

2010-03-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

Sure, you're supposed to have total recall of who won the Battle of Hastings and what motivated Hamlet and probably you should be able to label all five Great Lakes.
Perhaps you can.

But maybe it's easier to remember that first kiss, or the time you and your friends couldn't stop laughing in math class. Or your locker combination or cafeteria mystery meat or the scent in the air when you-know-who glided past your desk. Or maybe it's easier to remember the thrill of passing the final or the fun of the last homecoming game or hugging your best friends in the world good-bye and knowing you'd be in touch forever. But still wondering, just a little, will we always remember?

2010-03-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I'm going to enjoy the last of hi-speed broadband service. For the next five days,i'm going to survive in a horrible terrible internet deprived place.This is suppose to make me concentrate better on school though.It's not too bad a thing!

I've no idea when I can blog again though.so might be away for a while.I'll still probably be tweeting though.im on zennicoleravena on twitter!I love smsyo smsyo ftw.

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.

~ Emily Dickinson
via worldofquotes.xanga

you GMH.

2010-03-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

I always thought that humans were a terrible bunch of animals,the worst of the worst of all living creatures, incapable of any single act of altruism.

Then I read givesmehope.com.

For every little story i read, published by people around the world, my goosebumps stood up anew.

I saw many acts of kindness, of love, of generousity, praised by the recipients of such little acts.

These people,by appreciating what others did for them and acknowledging them, not only bring up the fact that selfless love and kindness exist in the world, they also convert a cynic into something less of a cynic.

They GMH.

2010-03-19T07:13:00.000-07:00

Mugged with my dearest dearest dar today at starbucks the whole day!Was as productive as any thing productive!9 hours mugging time!love you dardar thanks for mugging with me though you felt unwell.get well soon!x33

bought my shine today.was super pleased with the price,shall bring to boarding.and I haven't packed anything yet.i should totally start soon!!

I'm left with the horrible math hol hw,tutorials and h3 chem revision.shall do my best to study/do work!

are you back?

2010-03-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

Am i ever going to step out of the darkness at all??

Everytime i thought it behind me, it has to rear its head and snap at my ankles again, like some shadow beast i can never get rid of.

it's going to be concise because I have a date with my dar tomorrow.

just this quote:

At some point, you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in.
Life is messy.
That's how we're made.
So, you can waste your lives drawing lines.
Or you can live your life crossing them.

As if to counter-argue:
Along the way,
I’ve learned that you can’t let anyone in too far and you can’t trust endlessly.
The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself,
because then you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself,
because once you’re broken,
you’ll never be fully fixed.

And to further emphasise the fact:
As soon as you start to have romantic feelings for someone, you’re fucked.
You and this person are going to hurt one another.
Even if you are together for the rest of your life,
You’re going to feel indescribable pain.
When you’re in,
no matter how deep,
you’re in.

baby, a quote for you.

2010-03-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

watched alice in wonderland yesterday again,this time in 3D.more for the company than the fact that the movie was nice.

It's so sweet,life that has love in it.

baby, a quote for you

"You were right, I don't know if life is greater than death,

but what I did know, was love was more than either."

via starlightxquotes.xanga

So I say,just die,and find a new way to live in him.

2010-03-16T07:05:00.000-07:00

I yearn for the old me.

The one that has plenty spunk, whose unyielding grip on sanity has never wavered(alright,perhaps occasionally), who is so assured of what's about to transpire.

and may i drop my current obsession(it only takes a bit of imagination) and stop being so enraptured by it.It isn't exactly a piece of cake,but I shall try to check my unfettered emotions and settle down to a lifestyle or state of mind that more resembles orderly.

the current persona I assumed is one that is permanently grouchy and results/mugging-orientated with zero people skills and a high tendency to irk the most accommodating and indulgent person to be found.I am fair peeved with it too, but i suspect this is the denouement of constantly being under pressure.

I fervently hope an upswing is on the heels, because i lack the stamina and the fortitude to continue on this steam. I'm pretty debilitated as it is.

and back to my obsession, i hope it peters out soon.And some events made me disconsolate.Well,it's still chin up,because my fixations attenuate with every new aspect introduced.I shall strive on bravely towards my next obsession.

Questions

2010-02-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

How do you ever find yourself at all??

Is everyone born with a sense of self,with a knowing of what defines each and everyone as an individual?What if they lost the self?where do they get it back?

What if there is, but somehow,someone forgotten where or what it is?What happens?Do they cease to exist or are they semi-existing?

If someone is not recognised as an individual,does the person still exist?

Which brings me to: If a huge tree fell in the forest, yet no one heard it fall, does it still make a noise?

私は減量するようにしたい

2010-02-12T04:57:00.000-08:00

Lunch-movie-windowshopping in town with girlfriends today!But first there's the CNY celebrations.
I love the crows in school for always crowing at the right moments.Because life sucks bad when some people just don't know when to shut-up(and drive). And then we just stand around saying "happy valentine's" while switching oranges,which is pretty bad of me since I recieved chocolates and sweets from people but did not prepare anything for them in return. Especially one of my Oger whom I think wrapped a tolberone for each of us. And I was "too busy" to prepare...=[[ Anyhow, happy valentine's to my darlings, one and all, real and not so real but still quite real!
Celebrations in hall was boring,so after a few games of bridge we went down to LT5 to look at NJC superstar~~(and me for my EC).All i can say is that they all tried their best,and it must be so hard for them to stand up there and sing.Applaud for their courage!!
I have a new paedophile target:it's that JH emcee. He's so round and adorable!!!!I felt like running up the stage to grab his full cheeks and pinch omg he is cute ttm!
After all that we went down to town to buy tickets and then down to plaza for ajisen!then we sat there till 12(coz it wasn't 12 yet)before ordering.well shuling did.Me and dar we went down to buy me a drink.The seafood ramen there wasn't as nice I think they over-spammed the oil and the noodles need to cook around 10 secs longer so they have a softer texture,but it's still yummy!shuling hated the charshu though,so gave it to Claire to finish.
walked back to cine after that,and stopped by at 313@sommerset. saw many awesome food there,must go try all of them one day!
Watched "I hate Valentine's Day",and they loved it,but I'd only give a 2 out of 5 for it's grainy image and too-repetative expressions on the actors' and actresses' faces.The female lead also got to watch her complexion;she's let all the wrinkles form,and it's terrible. Not only that,how can a person go through a year and still suffer from full-blown emo-ness after a guy she wasn't exactly going out with didn't contact her?I mean, get real.
After that went for ice-cream at this japanese ice-cream shop that sells overpriced icecream that tastes quite alright,but not for the price we have to pay.Then we went down to B3 to get cinnamon buns that are Oh-So-Sinful because of all the carbs and things they put on the buns.I din't exactly eat though,just sampled a small piece and bought 3 for my parents and brother.
walked around after that, down to taka and wisma, and felt half-dead,so went home.
It's gonna be valentine's a few days later.Oh, and CNY of course. Will get back onto my diet the moment CNY is over.

2010-02-07T03:42:00.000-08:00

When we were young, they often asked: "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

And we'd say:"Lawyer, doctor, policeman", then they'd smile and pat our heads and nod.

It's always been like that.

As we grow up, reality started rearing it's ugly head, and slap us out of our bubble with its slimy tail. Face it, only the best out of the best get to be lawyers or doctors, and policemen?only if you are prepared to work hard for pittance.

Then we start to fantasize about work that pays much and, in our opinions, ask for little. We want to be pop stars, celebrities, travel journalists, all the glamour jobs that "pays more than it demands".

This time, it would be the parents jerking us out of our little world. Pop stars have no future: as soon as you grow old, you'll be discarded;same goes for celebrities, and travel journalists?why don't you learn how to write first?

We learn, sooner or later, and getting more soon than late, that the ticket is to study, preferably on the roads well trodden, so that you have an example to work towards, and heaven forbids that you chose a road no one has ever taken, because you only live life once, when you fail, you lag behind people, that's the end. You're filed as second class by the elites, and the more you fail, the harder it is to climb. It's like the "ouch" speech we saw in PW. It hurts, and the harder you fall, the more they laugh at you, the harder it is to climb.

Maybe it's so that they started to not want the ouch. Even if we do make progress after the ouch, nobody want to risk an ouch, favouring the small shuffling baby steps taking them forward. Slow?Sure, but still safe.

I don't want to take the slow shuffling steps now though. Surely recklessness has it's payoff too?It might be hard, but life is hard, and at least the recklessness is something I enjoy. At times like this, I start to revert back to younger days. To be able to afford the time to sit there and stare at the sky, thinking about the universe, about what is beyond us, what is so close and yet so far.Can I afford the time now?Is it advisable?Heck the advisable, does that practical, commonsensical materialistic part of me willing to take even a few minutes off to do that without feeling guilty?

Maybe one day when I'm all grown up with a lousy degree, I might look back and curse the slacker self for not working hard enough, not working 24-7 for a better future. Or the post-graduate me somewhere on the other side of the earth would sigh and wonder how is it that I never let myself rest for a bit.

The thing is we are never going to be satisfied however things turn out. And that's only right, because that's human nature. We have to be grouchy, we have to be regretful and bitter. And what to do to correct that? How the hell would we know?Let's wait for tomorrow to regret.

Innocence

2010-02-06T03:45:00.000-08:00

Waking up I see that everything is ok
The first time in my life and now it's so great!
Slowing down I look around and I am so amazed
I think about the little things that make life great
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's the state of bliss you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's so beautiful it makes you want to cry

This innocence is brilliant, it makes you want to cry
This innocence is brilliant, please don't go away
'Cause I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay
This moment is perfect, please don't go away, I need you now
And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

Lub-dub,lub-dub

2010-02-04T05:12:00.000-08:00

Consolidation today, was entertained by Mr teo. He may seem a meanie for the attire thing, but in lecture he rocks like a new e.guitar.

It's fun taking lecture with a large group of people who knows each other, it's like those kinda sec 4 classes, only that it's extremely big,and extremely cheerful.And when there were noise, the teachers just did nothing and continue the lecture, and sooner or later we'd quieten down.

It made me miss the times in sec 3/4 when the classes were all so bonded.It also brings a pang(and a skipped beat) to my heart when i think of it being over and all.and when jason was like:"hey this saturday practice at amphi hor.",I half-hoped that he was serious about it(several more skipped beats).

Wishful thinking.

Went for training today,but couldn't play,coz was feeling unwell and tired,so kept score for a game.Qiyun was damn good la watching them play was very exciting and extremely thrilling.Too thrilling.

I must get back to tennis soon, am getting rusty, and next tues is the selection.Hope would be in better shape then!!

I think i lost a few kilos from the walk in,like,my stomach is ALMOST not as bulgy now.am going on a diet to keep it that way.

Tutorials are like trying to kill me though,so I'll go kill them before they do that to me.

post-orientation= no hip thrust

2010-02-03T07:25:00.000-08:00

It's bye bye to orientation and hello to mugging again. The past 5/4/3 days were absolutely fun and enjoyable (read: can pon H3, cca, etc etc). Its really sad when I think of how we don't have to meet at amphi to dance or to correct our moves(even cleanup) and no more late nights;no more bunch of crazy jokers doing hip thrust;no more yx's "the ta the ta and the ta"(flicks hair);no more of felicia's obsession with patting my head; no more simin's "whatcha are...whatcha are baby" thing;no more huimin's wide eye stare;no more brinda's enthusiastic hellos(I love the eyeliner btw*grins*); no more teasing grace and yj;no more of jason's "kah sai ahhh"(or smth like that)and his funny expression;no more of yj's funny dancing and many many more sweat and blood(i think there is) shared among us.

All these i value beyond words,because there is no other way to describe the sense of comradeship between a group of people working towards a common goal.I might look sianzz sometimes,but i attend every practice bearing in mind that another practice is another day marked away on our common calendar. If i can choose, i'd drop h3 and tennis over walk-ins for the entire year.

Yet that can never be the case. And we have to move on so that others can make an entrance when one exits.So whatever the case, I really hope we can stay friends(or at least close acquaintances).

Acis OGLs ftw

Orientation 2010

2010-02-01T02:33:00.001-08:00

Station games are, I swear, the most tiring sort of games ever invented. I couldn't last half the morning without touching my "prozac"(actually is ibuprofen for challenging moments),and finally succumbed to the pills.haaaaaiiiiz old already =[[

But over all it was still fun and stuff,i mean, there are water games,the kids play with meal worms(shudders), we hear screams, nobody got hurt. Except maybe for feelings when we dump too much water on them, or when i got manipulated to be holding something toxic.OH MAN i'm still washing my hands now.

anyway, i took a vid of some forfeit thing,it is damn funny and quite rated R,but then that's why its interesting.and i hate my voice it's so damn annoying i shall not speak for the rest of my life.

Anyway, i just discovered that my brother is a freaking stalker.He is stalking one of my friends.OMG.but anyway,jy gor!!!

2010-01-30T06:43:00.000-08:00

Orientation this week and the next.

Schedule has been packed from this week all the way to end of chingay, and there's no time at all to think of other things while trying to keep up with challenges new and old, not to mention emotional problems.

Looking at the bunch of people I've been leading round the school, I suddenly feel my age. Granted,they are only a year my junior,but the difference is stark,plain as night and day.They have just moved into a new environment, and are looking forward to a new start, minds fresh from the 3 months holiday and eagerly looking forward to their lessons(probably). We,on the other hand, are halfway through shit and is still making no head way academically.

Stuff changes.Life moves on.Sure,but at such a fast pace?couldn't help wondering how long more can we run along,until one day, we stop and stare at our feet, and wonder where the hell we are going.maybe we would still continue,despite our confusion,in the hope that as we progress, we learn more about what we are going to do. Likely?

Or maybe we would stop and refuse to move,demanding a clear set of goals to work towards before we continue. would we then come up with the goals for the sake of moving on,so that later on the journey,we would again question and change our minds?or would we stand at the spot, stagnant and determined not to step a centimeter more into the muck?

Who would I be?What would I choose?And how would I react?

From last week till now.

2009-12-24T06:26:00.000-08:00

I dont get it.

Seriously, people and their religion.

okay,for those who know me,they'd also have known that I moved out of my 21st storey 5-roomed flat with 2 balconeys and a hugenormous living room into this shop house with 2 rooms and a dinky little kitchen and hardly any space to swing my arms.and since it's a shop house,it is on the 2nd floor and it stinks and...

Okay,i'm digressing.

Point is,since it's on the second floor over looking this public area of a grass patch,people tend to use it,right?

and those people praying for a temple or something just has to set up a red tent and start yelling weird stuff and banging on cymbals.

I mean,seriously,its PAST TEN and dont they know that researches have said it's good to sleep,and there will be people who have heeded the smart advice of these white lab-coat smart-asses and would have been asleep by then?And for chrissake,it's christmas.What are they praying for???

okay.to clarify,I'm currently a free-thinker,and do not have anything against tao-ism or christmas-ism or christianity. it's just that all the banging is giving me a headache.

Oh wait,that'd be the wine.but it was just half a cup-ful!

okay so that was nothing,though white wine is easier on me than red,and ice easier on me than white.but white is really a better choice,since i downed a glass of that stuff at the officers' commission ball(grats, chun mun--not that you read my blog or anything,but people might think it's me who became a 2nd sarg blah blah blah..but i'm digressing again.)coming out no less than how i went in(in fact i think my zit became bigger).

oh yah,the officer commission ball was quite cool,the style of D&D,and there were just those new officers and their dates eating and it was those kinda fine dining and stuff.the programme was also interesting and chun mun got me chocs(that's the impt part) as a thank-you and as xmas pressie.it was rather entertaining.a guy even showed up with all sorts of rings and studs through his face,and when asked by chun mun, he pointed to my ears and said:"the ladies are all wearing it--so why can't i?"

I almost spat out my sprite.

the past few days were spent in sch doing the walk-in.it made me realise how much i'd missed dancing at zsy's,and how inflexi i am now.reflexes are also slower and joints are super rusty.I love learning the dance though,it's like...expressing my frustration,and it's better than tennis(I think coz of the music).Even though i ended up being ps-ed by some woman(or women) who couldn't wake up,and sorta ended up like an outcast when jess jingqiu and gareth weren't there,I don't regret joining the walk-in.Oh,and my hips are dislocated by all the butt-shaking and acting sexy or the S*** word(high-class sexy,we call it)and everytime i try to bent more or something my spine creaks ,but i love every moment of yeah,show me the money,like me,womanizer,insomnia and forever.And i actually learnt all these in 3 days.

Talk to me about intensive.

But seriously,if you ask me to do this for a living,i'd gladly do so.my heart ain't so into studying and going into a high paying career as i originally thought.i wont mind being a back-up singer/dancer coz it's what i love.

Speaking of studies,there're like only 2 weeks left,and i still have a great deal to tackle.plus all the pre reading i have to do to make up for orientation.

HAIZ.

And i went korea just last 2 weeks,and bought loads of stuff,and if i see my girlfriends i must rmb what to give to them.shingzzz.

I miss them and i wish they'd appear in this miserable hovel and make it all better.esp since i'm fighting with the mom again.

SHINGZ.

I ain't as balanced as everyone thinks

2009-11-16T06:16:00.001-08:00

Life sucks when everything you struggle to build up collapse just because of some small stuff.

When the facade that you strive to maintain just crumble into nothing at a single word, a single thought.

Is it that the word/thought itself is really powerful,or just that the facade is actually festering inside,that it couldn't hold against anything despite appearing otherwise?

Is this how i'm going to live for the rest of my life,gripping on to walls of sanity that might just disintegrate without a moment's notice?living in fear of losing control,of things spiralling out of my hands at a single thought?

I ain't as balanced as everyone thinks.

touche me not

2009-10-08T09:11:00.000-07:00

There are some things that one should never touch.
first of all, i'm not blaming you.I really ain't. 'Cause, like you said, everyone live by a different set of philosophy.
But there are some issues that i need to get across, some things that i just need ot say.
I still stand by the idea that no matter what your initial intentions are, no matter how well-meaning you might be, it doesn't change the fact that someone got hurt instead of better though your actions.
It is like a doctor, forcing a terminal cancer patient to undergo a risky operation, with every intent to see the patient out alive and cancer-free,but eventualy seeing him get pushed out with that white cloth covering his face.
Sorry?
You didn't intended it to turn out this way?
You meant well?
Tell that to the dead man.
It makes a whole hell of a difference,even though you might think that it's a matter of time, that the patient would die. It matters that the patient have the choice to decide, to continue with the pain from chemo, or to take the risk and end it all, in one ay or another.
You might think comparing this with a cancer patient isn't appropriate.Or maybe it is.This way or that, it doesn't really matter anymore.
I hope this is the last time that we talk about this.

2009-10-07T08:17:00.000-07:00

I only ever knew the subtlety of relations between humans and their possessions, yet seeking comfort in those that you possess is actually a deeply ingrained habit probably cultured since young(think safety blanket).

It's not that we do not want to believe;Its just that so much has happened, and we can't.

2009-10-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

终于.
终于考完了.
虽然是一天前的事了,但现在才刚领悟到,终于过了.
今年的书被我念得乱七八糟的,课也是迷迷糊糊地上.
虽然现在后悔了,但又能怎样?过了始终是过了,只能说,那个人干吗不早一点说?

最近,又开始怪怪的.
有时,会有不知名的感觉忽然涌上,然后只想尽情地大喊.
又有时,有种莫名的愤怒,只是为了小事就想拿起东西乱砸人,砸得越痛越好.
心中的愤怒有时连我自己都被吓到了.

情绪的控制,对有些人来说,是轻而易举的,但对我来说却不是.
那是为什么???

2009-09-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

好怀念华文哦!
而且很旧没上部落格更新了.
太久太久让自己沉睡着,久到连自己也不知道怎么把自己叫起来.
还是以前的我让自己能抬头一点,她比较努力.
可是有人说,如果不想将来的自己看着从前而后悔,就要在每时每刻尽到全力,就算没达到自己心中的完美,也不会因为这样而感到遗憾.
现在的我应该会给以后的我丢脸吧?好烂喔.所以从现在开始,决定要努力一点了!就算是每天搞到精疲力尽,也不能松懈.
决定要这样了!帮我加油吧!

2009-09-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

"He was a bit like a dim student who didn't listen. If he didn't get the answer he wanted, he just repeated the question." Prof. Richard J. Evans on Holocaust denier David Irving

2009-09-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

*SCREAMS AT 20000Hz*

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Birthday loves

2009-08-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

Thank you all who made my 17th birthday memorable,in one way or another!
1. Thankyou to my 2 besties!I heart the balloon and the box alot alot!and the card/booklet was very pretty,and the cinnamon bun was great!
2. Thankyou to 猪雨安 and jingjing and huiyun and jiayu!I like the pin alot and it's totally my style!thanks for being there each morning to wake me up for school!
3. Thankyou to my dear pretty sihua(i only say you are pretty coz you put in so much effort.),for the tempting pencil,the pouch,pencilcase,customised notebook, and last but not least the hugenormous photo frame collage that you spent so much time doing!
4.Thankyou to one and all,those people who wished me happy birthday and hugged me today,even those on facebook as well as those smses.I am superduper touched that you guys remembered.
And most importantly,thankyou for the love that you guys gave to me.though intangible,it's the largest and most beautiful present that you guys gave to me,and i'm really really grateful for your friendships/aquaintance and stuff.

And now for the birthday wishes!
1. Due to that scary hurricane in taiwan,a near 500 ppl died just like that.My 1st wish is for them to be able to find all survivors quickly,and to rebuild their homes and their lives as son as possible,and to my dear home Singapore,must also kampate and get yourself out of this economic crisis asap(although PM Lee says it's on the upturn already)!
2. Yalun very busy,so of course is wish him good health and a successful career!
3. This one for my family and friends,and myself.coz is third wish,so cannot say.

Haha don't give me that kinda face about my choice for the 1st 2 wishes!

Life without the hunger

2009-08-12T07:31:00.001-07:00

我在寻找我的安全感.

Life can't go on without you

2009-08-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

Finally like a slack weekend that i can shut half my mind off.Recounting today's events:
1. NDC was nice to watch,I think the whole council was working so hard to get the whole event running smoothly.Although it's very likely noone will be reading this,i have to say:"TAN EYANG your PA screwed up some parts of the performances!"Oh,and this is a personal attack on TAN EYANG,so all other PA people,I think you guys are great!
2. AQUA I LESS-THAN-THREE YOU!!!!You guys rocks and I'm so glad we got the NE cup!!!I really think we really need some house pride I bet only a few people care about our house,but come on,i mean,the house is probably the only little thing that involves a little fun in this grey and dreary school.
3. I didn't know aerius and aqua were on such good terms!*bubble bubble*haha i think the term "bubble" is real cool(bubble=engrossed in own little world,separated from the rest).And i think aerius and aqua can do a merger or a collusion, although according to econs,that's not allowed.maybe a tacit one instead?
4. HAHA i thought so!!!It's great to see that he's moving on,I thought i was kinda irresponsible and stuff at the end,but glad to see it didn't leave a permanant scar on him or something.Treat her well okay!
5. SAKURA@CLEMENTI WOODS with GERLFRENS!!!hehe ate till so full i think i need the diet to keep going for many more weeks.omg i can't believe how i stuffed myself with food.but we had fun eating!!!And it's a super long time since we sat and talk le.we didn't even talk much of heart-to-heart variety like,you know.haiz.maybe one day go someone's house to talk-talk.I love you guys you made me a different person from 2+ years ago=].
6. WEST COAST PARK IS ACTUALLY A SUPER FUN PLACE TO GO TO!took many many pix and played till very dizzy!maymay came halfway and we spent a quarter of the time dancing coz we(me and shuling) was very envious when we watched the NDC dance thing.and we danced nobody and a little [biao bai].had frappe from macs later, and i felt like i was a pig or something haiz...and i realised we hadn't climb the pyramid yet=[[ next time!
7. Not eating dinner and breakfast and lunch 2ml.have to start getting my stomach flat again.haiz.
8.tata people i go facebook lo!

See you in four years

2009-08-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

Bye ms loy!!!4 years later would be a super scary long time.Most of us would either be working part time/getting a degree,guys would just be out of NS,and all that stuff.
but take care of yourself and Mr Loy over there and be sure to post loads of pictures of you and your mini-garden on facebook, coz 403 will miss you so much..

And my handphone died.along with it died half of me.COZ MY PRECIOUS YAN YALUN HANDPHONE THEME IM USING ISN'T BACKED UP AND I CANNOT LOOK FOR IT AGAIN ON THE NET COZ IT'S A SUPER SPECIAL CUSTOMISATION BY MY DEAREST HUIYIN!!!!
On an entirely non-related topic, 我不知道為什麽对你忽冷忽热的.

四肢发达,头脑简单

2009-07-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20070530/strong_toddler_070530/20070530
It's about this little boy with this rare genetic condition, myostati-related muscle hypertrophy,and his muscles are over developed and stuff,and he has minimal body fat,and eat alot without putting on weight(envious envious)
but,quoted from the website:
For Liam, the condition has one potential drawback: Infants and toddlers need some body fat to feed brain growth and the development of the central nervous system.

Without adequate body fat, a child's growth can be stunted and the central nervous system can be impaired, said Dr. Erlund Larson, an internist at Hackley Hospital who is familiar with Liam's condition.

This is,I suppose,what they meant by 四肢发达,头脑简单?

Apathy is going to get us all

2009-07-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

How many times have you seen someone withdrawing into their shells, pretending to be blind to the world's ills, just simply because their lives would be less ocmplicated if they don't bother. Leave others to sort out their troubles themselves, because they have enough on their own hands and you'll grapple with your problems,I with mine.
Looking through my PW survey answers,I wonder why people say that they don't care how others around them are feeling.Maybe they had enough from life that they cannot even spare a neuron to consider about others. Let them wallow in abject misery.I still need to think of how to bring in the next million and retire by 40.
Might it be that life's pursue of material goods fog up our empathy?might it be that, so caught up in material gains, we miss the little things in life that tells us to stop and look, that someone,be it your friend, your son, your daughter,is turning more and more moody,couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, wouldn't go out?Maybe we were too busy repairing the AC/our computer,typing the next report,that we deliberately fail to realise that the only things we do among our kinsmen is to repair the AC/computer, or doing reports.We may accidentally-on-purpose neglect the smile slipping off when we call to cancel a date.
What if tomorrow was the last day of our life?would we go from door to door, visit the neighbours, the relatives, catch up with long-forgotten friends?Or would we hide in a secluded corner and flip through bankbooks while family and friends try to act happily in front of you?
If only we open up our hearts a bit more.I always firmly believe in the sixth sense, and that all humans are psychic.Otherwise, how would you think that a person you have been thinking about only recently suddenly call you to talk about old times?That there is a broadband of the soul connecting our minds all on one gigantic server, even though it is now very much underused, when people switched to the actually internet we use on computers, and mobile phones that can connect up the voice, or even videos of people on opposite ends of the world,but can't even show whether it is just a pre-recorded voice of the person.
Maybe it's my cynicism at work again.I'm not exactly blameless myself, when sometimes my selfishness gets the better of me.Yet I believe that some people are still connected.But only if they are very very close.What's the point of caring for a stranger,you asked.The point is that there doesn't have to be a point.In cariing for a stranger, you spread warmth around this world which,even with global warming,climate change and shrunk distances, remains as cold as the Arctic circle.Need I continue?I shall only have a hundred and one things to argue about this.
Imagine the distance around each person growing larger,even when it's the age of 'the incredible shrinking Earth".imagine falling,scraping your knee on the sidewalk, climb painfully to your feet,and walking off.Once upon a happier time,someone would have start,walk over to you,help you up and walk off.And i am glad ot say that my childhood was like that.Fast-forward 20 years:when your kid falls and scrap his knees,would anyone still approach and help him?You sure?
I wished that when i take my GP exam, I had so much stuff to say.

Random thoughts in random order.

2009-07-28T07:21:00.001-07:00

Bad grades or something for cts.but it doesn't matter much coz i'm gonna start on a fresh clean slate for the term.

It's goodbyes and hellos for teachers,which was kinda confusing,but we got used to it.Anyway it's kinda okay once they settled down and stuff.

been on a few weeks on this diet of mine,but it seem not to have any results.I guess its just an issue of mind over matter,aint it?plus all the binging during the weekends,w/o purging.haiz.

I hate fats,yet i love carbs to bits.if you put a basket of bread in front of me,it'll be gone within the hour.haiz.a glutton trying to fast.the overall feel isn't too optimistic,is it?

Ah xiang is from the iron dimension!!!i'm so glad for xiu.thye can get together in the end!!!just the minor glitch with that whiny disgusting fiancee,who i think is trying to poison them all.

And you may really think you know me well,but the only things you are familiar with are the designs on my masquerades.

2009-07-28T07:15:00.000-07:00

blogger has a new way of posting blog entries.
ain't it weird?

2009-07-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

Avoiding carbs,fats,proteins,minerals,etc etc from 9am-5pm.
or 8am-6pm.
or 6am-7pm?
I just have to slim down a bit.then maybe i won't wobble so much.
I CAN DO IT!!!!ppl don't you tempt me.

2009-07-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

ZJ3G!!!i love them!!!hahaha xiu and ah xiang kiss kiss-ed again!!!i'm really really jealous.and they love each other so much i almost cried when xiu left for jiang dong without talking to ah xiang coz she intended to follow him there.but they so obviously wanted to talk to each other...haiz so saaaaad i wan cry le!!!!TT.TT
And i think xiao qiao didn't go the bbq was because she went to find zhou yu and ask him go help liu bei and yun.haiz...so sweet!
Ytd was NE show 1!
Went down to Kellock at red hill there at 2,then stoned for a while and then got bullied by them kids coz i told them i was 17 and they don't believe.
OMG i hate them kiddos.at eleven years old, they hold camera phones, cameras and stuff,and when i told them i really am 17,they whipped out their phones and cameras and started taking pictures of me like they are tourists and i'm some exotic creature in the zoo.=.=
So it's off to the stadium,and the rest is just what happened in normal NE shows,except that i had to run to and from the whole length of the stadium a few times,all because of my damn smart ALP kenneth,and just to carry a bag of bread for them little kiddos.
And then there's the down pour.In the middle of the final chapter,stand up for singapore, i feel like big large droplets of water hitting me on the head,and everywhere.I was soaked in seconds.like,completely drenched coz my poncho couldn't be brought out in time.The drainage thing there should be looked into,coz that place was flooded in seconds.But despite the rain ytd,i went home rather happily.Why?Because of some moderately hot guy(don't know who he is,but i heard from the kiddos that he's one of the boys from "fighting spiders"),who,as he left,smiled at me.And it's so nice to be smiled at by some moderately hot guy when you are at NJ,even though the reason he smiled at me is most probably coz he ke lian me or something for standing in the rain being soaked.
But still.....
HAHA got (moderately) hot guy smile at me!!!!!!
Which is why i was kinda happy ytd.LOL.Shallow,i know.
slacked today,all xiao tian's fault!!!!!
So shuai for what?haiz...i gg through maniac period now.don't ask.

2009-07-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

tank -如果我变成回忆

作词:陈信延施人诚作曲:tank

累了照惯例努力清醒着

也照惯例想你了

好怕一放心睡了

心跳在梦中不听话的就停止了

听着呼吸像浪潮拍动着

越美丽越让我忐忑

我还能珍惜什么

如果我连自己的脉搏都难掌握

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命

留下你错愕哭泣我冰冷身体拥抱不了你

想到我让深爱的你仍还孤独旅行

我会恨自己如此狠心

如果我变成回忆终于没那么幸运

没机会白着头发满山牵着你看晚霞落尽

漫长时光总有一天你会伤心痊愈

若有人可以让他陪你

我不怪你

快乐什么时候会结束呢

哪一刻是最后一刻

想把你紧紧抱着

可知你是我生命中的最舍不得

如果我变成回忆最怕我太不争气

顽固地赖在空气霸占你心里每一寸缝隙

连累依然爱我的你痛苦承受失去

这样不公平请你尽力

把我忘记

2009-07-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

Been on hiatus for so long.
Past the week of exams that dissipate my energy and brain cells, seriously,the only look-up are my girlfrens and youtube. yet the fun has just started.
SPA, lecture tests,not to mention the gruelling lessons themselves.Unavoidable,its the only consistency in life that is full of surprises.Much less sensible people would ask what are we doing this for,and i was rallying in this catagory before.Time has left me more sagacious,however,and informed me some things are best left alone when you do not have answers.True,why complicate things when there's a limit to what you can do?
Even so,there is only so long that this consistency can last.How long more till we leave,go on our seperate ways?How many of the friends that we neglect,even after we promise never ever to lose touch with each other?long-distance friendship,I believe,is sustained much by the will of one's heart.But how many times has the will been subjected to convenience?we make excuses of not meeting up."too busy" is the current favourite.By doing so,we thought to minimise our losses--we can still meet up another day when everyone is free,but we failed to notice the implicit cost:the fading of a much more precious thing.despite all proclamations about "BFFUDs",friendship can't last without investment of time and energy,which is subjugated to the aavailablity of free time we all have.
And when we leave the comforts of an artificial environment where all challenges are only manufactured,are we confident of grappling with the unfeigned,bona fide large-scaled problems thowed our way by the cold-blooded society?would the heart-felt smiles still be there,or would they be covered up by a masquerade crafted by time,for subterfuge and deceit?would i raise my head high and carry on with living,or would i once again spiral into stormy depths?
What we can only do now is smile widely and as naturally as possible, hiding the deep-seated knowledge that it's only as good as it lasts.since no one is exactly clairvoyant,and i haven't met anyone who is in a while now, we can maybe hope that people around us are an exception to the Murphy's law.
am i being astute in one aspect,yet woefully ignorant of the other?Probably.I only hope time would again make me a gift which would remove the irony.

2009-05-31T07:23:00.000-07:00

呼延觉罗修：有一种思念，不用去想，就会一直出现。第一根弦会响(想),第二根弦会响(想)。原来,它们都很响(想).
OMG so saaad!!!
xiu~~~~~

2009-05-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

鸡~蛋！
老虎不发威，你当他是病猫吗？
但是，病猫还不想发威，因为病猫的哥哥说，老虎打猎时，都会戏弄他们的猎物。
看病猫要不要整死他，怎么整死他而已咯！

2009-05-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

太巧了！
当亚纶在部落格谈真爱时，我同时也在寻求喔
^^
I'm crazy.

2009-05-02T20:21:00.000-07:00

Call me a shameless bitch.

I want this:

OMG this watch is such a beauty. Classy...sleek...simple design.. I'll sell my soul for this.

However, if only they had THIS design:

in solid white,I'd take it anytime. The brand's called ODM, and it costs USD$1xx. Saw it at Iluma,the new bugis shopping centre,and i went:doesn't this look familiar? before realising that it's used in zj3g as some handphone device thing. Now,before you sigh and say that this surely is something yalun is using,i have to say:no it's not.he's not even in the show except for the 1st few episodes(stupid stupid stupid director).
But this watch is totally seductive,which is why im selling my soul for one of this.

2009-04-25T20:46:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9z0h1NNk1Ik
Must watch.
SHE IS TOTALLY INCREDIBLE.

2009-04-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

403 i missed you today is a memorable day!!!
2 years and blah days ago,fate and nanhua brought us together as a class=D today, we're all in sch,rushing our own homework, going to our own ccas;just like before.the only catch is, we ain't doing it together(at least physically) anymore.this day commemorates the 1st year we live our own lives seperately,and although our physical distance span further than ever, i believe(hope) that 403 is still united as a class,even though:
Ms loy is getting married
Ms Saw still teaches PE and (almost)forgets our names
Mr pandian is permenantly not in his office
Ditto Mrs leuar
Ms lim is getting married too,though not so soon,apparently,and she's getting all stressed up
Ms Rani is reverting to teaching lower sec
LLF is very busy(from what i see of her the last time i went back nh)
Mrs sim is non-contacted(as in,nobody whom I know went to talk to her)
Ditto mrs chang
and the rest of us scattered around singapore.
Remember the crap stuff in nh,the V3R,and the 3Ds?"Not to be the best but to be better than the rest", and "determination,discipline and drive". Gawd.how endearingly(is there such a word??) dumb.but just remember to carry the spirit of 403'08 around,and stay in contact.For all we know,the dude who used to copy homework from you and drools when he/she sleeps(not arrowing any particular person) turns out to be the next biggest celebrity/politician/CEO of a company.That's when the blackmailing starts.
Oh,and i sprained my ankle.
Finally,

Happy 403 day

2009-03-05T06:40:00.000-08:00

It's been so long.I don't know if it's across the board,or is it that I'm just that unlucky,but it seem that all my teachers pile homework on us continuouly.
Was talking about how life at college really turn out to be mugging,mugging and more mugging,and I got told off by my father,just because I ventured a protest against this kind of life.
Must everything in life be a lesson?
He kept talking about how when we grow up,we must contribute back to them.I know I should,because afterall,they are my parents.But this made me think about the attitude of human regarding the "moral values" of what is right and what is wrong. They said we must be filial to our parents,we must respect our elders.But we ask ourselves:Is it a must to respect them simply because they are older than us,that they have more so-called experiences than us?What if there is an elderly that is arrogant,obnoxious and prideful of his supposed superiority,yet woefully ignorant of the true deal in the world.Is he worth respect?Must we be filial,not because we love our parents,but only because the names they take on in our life are"father" and "mother"?
In short,humans are selfish and arrogant creatures.They find all means and devices to portray humans always in a positive light.When we help others in need,we praise ourselves,that only the humans,the homo sapiens does this in the animal kingdom.They do things to ensure their own survival,whether or not they are at the expense of others,either willing or not.In the past,humans give birth to more children,not to populate the world and keep human population at a constant,if not increasing number.Ten out of ten will tell you that they had more children so that they can provide for them in their old age.Now,let me ask you:which adult animal will tell their children that it is mandatory for the children to take care of them when they get old?none.Know why?they either don't care,or they do it willingly.Why then,are humans different?
What I percieve,in the society today,is the warped teaching and passing on of confucius thinking.I myself have nothing much against the guy.Afterall,he is a great philosopher(worthy of true respect).however,his thinking has been distorted through the generations of humans passing it on,possibly editing it to benefit themselves.This is not much different of terrorists misinterpreting their holy book.The values they teach us today,is to be filial,without question,even to those losers of a parent who abuse their kids.They ask for respect,even for those foolish people with limited abilities,or who use them in ways exploiting or harmful to others or themselves.
What I believe is that respect and filial piety should not be given only to the name,but to the person,whose ways and means earned them rightfully.Be filial,not just because they are your parents.Respect,not just because they are older than you by a little(or a lot).
Even confucius will not press the need to respect a foolish emporer,who impose heavy policies and create trouble,for a sole beneficiary,namely himself.

2009-02-20T06:25:00.000-08:00

Hi!I'm like,back for a few mins.
my muscles are like freaking pain and stiff now.all because of the crazy pt,the practise,and the numerous stairways located at every part of the college's campus.like,50-50 of stairs and pathways.
did the architec thought that this design is beautiful and unique?if so,he/she can so totally go hang himself/herself.
was assigned to our civics classes only after 2 weeks of bonding with our OGs.So sad when we have to split!!!
worse thing is,our class is in aqua,when i want to be in solaris!!!!omgomg i'm so depressed after the class and house allocation.
anyway,tutorial was crazy,just pile after pile,and no time at all to complete them in time!!!and i still want to take H3.
alright,,going to watch Bump off lover alrdy.
byes.

2009-02-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

Am now a proud member of njdrama and njtennis!
am not doing audition 3 times to get into a cca who cant figure out who they want.
absolutely no time to blog or touch the com even now.Homework is getting ahead of me.

2009-01-29T19:44:00.000-08:00

I need someone to confide in.

2009-01-29T06:11:00.000-08:00

It's facinating how stories inspire me.
The good,the bad,the sad,or the destructive.
How many secrets do one actually hide,even from themselves?

If you try to write something,but nothing comes out,are you still called a writer?

2009-01-29T05:03:00.000-08:00

my arms are stinging.so is my face.And my legs,and my thighs.
i hate sunburn already.
not looking forward to starting sch with sleeves rolled up,and face having the tan lines of my sunglasses,which pretty much was on my face the whole time.
and no,chaypioh,i seriously do not think I look better with facial skintones 3 shades darker than before.
I need to scream.Or throw sand at people.or even feed it down their throats.
Whatever.
Today was spent getitng chingay tee,gg to viv's tehn xz's hse,and watching them lose/win money in blackjack.Seriously.if i were the one playing,my bets would have been $10 everytime.
Thankfully i curbed my urge.
I'm gonna buy a bottle of Garnier light facial wash,and a pack of face mask to return my skin colour.
I mean,even my lips are tanned and sunburnt.
wth.

*~*The Shadow Behind the Mask*~*