Who am I behind the mask?

11.12.2011

SHINee Jonghyun SWC Nagoya Solo: Boku wa Kimi ni Koi wo Suru

If my wishes came true, Your sadness would fill me Please throw away those feelings I will endure them for you. When future paintings and maps are lost, I would still have seen a tiny part of you. Goodbye, Thank You, I love you, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, Don't cry, Silly you, Words that I want to convey are flowing endlessly, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. Your dreams will come true, As it could be said with all your dedications and with your heart When I'm no longer here, I have not disappeared, You will still find the threads of love of our hearts. Goodbye, See you next time, I'm sorry, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, In this way, Silly you, Painful Love, Endlessly loving, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. The eyes of love and the pain of affection, Long ago you gave to me an unforgettable radiance Goodbye, Thank You, I love you, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, Don't cry, Silly you, Words that I want to convey are flowing endlessly, No matter how many times, I fall in love with you. Goodbye, See you next time, I'm sorry, I love you, Goodbye, Keep smiling, In this way, Silly you, Painful Love, Endlessly loving, No matter how many times, I will cry out “I love you”, Goodbye...

This is Key's favorite song.

Okay. I'm sorry. I don't know what kind of love they are having between them. I just think that this love, whatever it is, is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

And, thank you, my fandom friends, though I doubt you guys would ever read this. It seem funny that I depend on you guys though my slump when I have much older friends around. But thank you. For letting me go crazy without judging me. For letting me be all emotional without questioning. For giving me another world that I can run away to when things get too much to handle. For supporting me, both in SHINee World, as well as my endeavors irl.

샤이니워드 친구들, 무슨 말을해야할지 모르겠다. 그러나, 고맙습니다. 정말, 고맙습니다.

think again. 5:46 AM

8.14.2011

It's only till when I actually said it out loud then I realised that I meant what I said: Birthdays mean nothing to me at all. We grow older, day by day, so what makes it special that we are exactly 1x years old?"BTW, yay~ I am one year older, and so are my cells, meaning that I'm one year closer to waking up and finding eyebags and wrinkles on my face. Hurrah!" I guess I just feel grouchy turning older.

School starts tomorrow and I'm as prepared as I can be in the current circumstance, considering a hiatus of all neutron activities of 8 months(those guys have it worse). Am now trying to cram BizLaw in, but I don't understand much of it and I'm pretty exhausted.

okay randomz:I'M BLOODY SICK OF DEJA VU!!!either you let me be clairvoyant, or just go the hell away.

back to topic.

I hope I didn't screw up in my planning of modules or something. Is this what it is like to be an adult? Stampeding through life while hoping they didn't screw up any decision that they made on the way there?

Met up with one of my dearest dearest dearest friend in the world, TAN SHULING HELLO I LOVE YOU BIG BIG OKAY 너무너무너무 사랑해!!!I'm so glad that life has been good for you, do update often okay!

Meeting up with her just made me realised how different our schools are, and how much we are influenced by both our decisions and our environment. Still, deep down, we are who we are, whether we peel away layers, or add on more, essentially, we won't lose ourselves. We'll just be buried deep. Very, very, very deep.

kthnxforreadingbai.

think again. 6:28 AM

8.08.2011

This is going to be random:

1. It annoys me how some HK drama would have those kind of slogans that everyone chants together. That and the sappy looks they give each other when chanting. I think I hate it so much because nobody does that in real life actually, and putting those lines in destroys the story the cast is trying to bring across.

2. My 2nd aunt is back from the US for a visit!!I missed her a lot, the last time she was here was 2 years ago.

3. I put on a lot of weight these few days because my family kept running around looking for good food for my aunt and her family to try. Not complaining though.

4. My little cousin(he's 15, but he'll forever be my little cousin) has a really buff body from all the swimming. His face though, still looked like the 13 year old I last saw 2 years ago. So I get very disturbed when he goes around topless, not because I'm a freaking conservative Asian, but because he looked like he implanted someone's chest that doesn't match his face. Or implanted his head onto a buff body that doesn't match.

5. Bossing is finally over for me,thank god. Took 5 CUs. Hope I'm not dead by the time midterms are over.

6. I'm freaking tired now, having just spent the day at USS. Seriously, I never thought I'd be bored by the themepark. All except for the battlestar. Clocked my total number of battlestar rides to 15, 3 up from last visit, since there was really a lot of people today.

7. I love KooMaylynn. And Ree. And Sudardar. And all my other best friends, husband, blah blah blah.

8. My freaking headaches are back. Not as strong as before, but still enough to annoy me.

9. It's only a week left till school starts. OMG.

10. There are some people who have really dark characters. They throw words around carelessly, not caring that they hurt people, sometimes even intending damage to be done. Yet their darkness acts as a contrast to people who speak kind words, act generously, who strive to be as useful as they can to the people around them. Frankly speaking, I sometimes prefer the mean-spirited. They show me that imperfection is tolerable.

11. I cannot get used to audio books. I guess I'm a visual person, so when I listened to audio books, they just glide over me.

12. There are still loads of things I want to do, loads of life that I want to live, adventures that I want to go on, and, can I just say that I don't want to grow up so fast?

14.I keep thinking that I'm making a mistake somewhere. I keep looking back. Someone needs to buy me a rearview mirror so that I can do it easier.

15. Jodi Picoult seem to have her books centred around the legal system.

16. I skipped 13 coz it's an unlucky number

17. I want to continue learning Korean now that my basic class is over. Any recommendations :)

18. I'm sleepy.

19. Good night.

think again. 7:45 AM

7.01.2011

You don't understand, do you?

You never did. You walk in all assuming, then judge me for what you think you know about me.

All these is driving me to insanity.

I don't understand how you can preach of lessons and theories of life, of humans, yet fail to delve deeper to truly comprehend what I am trying to convey. And I hide behind modern technology to give voice to my vexation. It is not cowardice that drove me thus, but the knowledge that you will, at the end of the day, still maintain that you are right.

If you really want to know what irked me. If you really want to understand and not just to berate without reason.

Being a person who has to schedule for weeks ahead every single day, why is it difficult for you to inform me at least two days ahead that my presence is needed? You didn't bring me up to forget my roots. You didn't bring me up to be ungrateful and unreasonably disrespectful. You didn't bring me up to disregard family over friends. Then why would you expect me to be all of these? What really made me so peeved is not those last minute scheduling, though I hate disruptions to my plans that are carefully laid out, but that you didn't think much of me to be able to uphold the values that were painstakingly instilled in me from a young age. It did not feel good that you thought me to be a lesser person than I am.

Damn.

Sometimes, I think about why I went through such angsty teenage years. Why they were full of thoughts like "I shouldn't care about all these." Why I envied the psychological make up of a sociopath. Because what they said was true. Those that you would catch a bullet for, are mostly the ones behind the gun barrel.

I need to stop being swayed by the opinion of others. I generally make choices after considering suggestions and advice from friends, and over-rely on them to the point that I have not even dyed my hair. I guess I have this need to be accepted. I dare not do drastic things like dyeing my hair, or cutting it a different way, without asking for feedback before hand, because to me, people saying "God, her new hair cut is really ugly" or "Oh my god is she trying to attract attention with hair that colour?" behind my back is more than I can bear. This compulsive need to be accepted by everyone, it makes me scared to go out in striking wear, or to suddenly do something that is different from usual. And I feel a little crippled by this.

Just saying.

think again. 6:25 AM

6.06.2011

Whoever buys this for me, I'll marry you.

Solo On-ear headphones (Beats by Dr. Dre)

I want this toy because:

5. It has a sleek classy design;

4. It is light and travel friendly, plus most reviews said it's comfortable, so I can wear it 24/7.

3. It has a built in mike, so you can use it as a handset. A cool,stylish handset that lets you talk in HD surround sound

2. It has an amazing bass system for driving in that hiphop/dance tune. It speaks quality.

1. Oppa has a black one.

think again. 10:27 PM

6.01.2011

The truth is, not everyone will have their dreams realised. That is the truth, plain and ugly. Of course, there is still room to alter your dreams, to reach a compromise between dreams and reality. It's just by how much. How much do you want to give way before checking it off as "succeeded"? How much to alter the dimensions of your hopes and dreams so that you can move on to other more practical things?

But I guess the point of dreams is that they are generally unachievable. Isn't there a cliche saying about aiming for the moon and landing among the stars?I guess that is the meaning behind the above statement then, that those shooting at the moon gets stars even if they wanted the moon really badly.

Just saying though, those that landed among the stars, would they not feel disappointed when they are so close to the moon, yet they cannot obtain it, and furthermore have to stare at it all day long, being reminded that this is what they have no ability to achieve?

think again. 7:12 AM

5.14.2011

BIAS

(via conceptualism) That's it. I did it.

Today, I officially hit 300 pictures of Kim JongHyun, and 100 animated gifs of him.

Isn't he beautiful???He's so beautiful when he smiles,when he cries, when he's acting cool or man,or when he's being dorky.He's beautiful no matter he's being a raptor or a puppy.

Okay so now I'm officially a SHAWOL and a BLINGER and I'm looking at him EVERYDAY on my phone wallpaper, and the "best" thing is, I'm in Singapore.And oppa hates Singapore.

No,M'sia is fine.even indonesia is fine for him. He hates our country T.T

(via keyhorr)

That's it.the moment I graduate,

(via eunnoia)

I'm leaving for Korea.

I'm so sorry people. Normally I keep my fangirl self to my tumblr. Today proved too difficult to cope though, so I'm allowing myself to lose control for a while. It (most likely) won't happen again.mianhae.

(via SHINeeTown)

(anyway guys, some pictures are gifs,that's why they look weird.but the gif actually make sense when played.sort of.)

think again. 9:11 AM

5.05.2011

#nowplaying Byul(Star) - Kim Ah Joong, 200Ibs Beauty O.S.T

1. Hello everyone! It's been a while. A loooooooong while. :) Have been working at EOCP in Tuas (yes ikr TUAS). Life here is really pleasant, with nice colleagues who are funny people :D and the pay is not bad either, if I didn't take leave once or twice a day every week. No, I'm not a slacker. I want my $50+ dollars a day(before CPF-yes I pay CPF now omigod I feel really old), but people keep calling me.

2. Those interviews. Dang those interviews. It's not just about grades. Its about your character, your passion, your whatever-they-want. And somehow parents just don't see that, even though their daughter scored plenty of dists, scholarships still don't want them. They look at you with high expectations, full of confidence about your future and how that when you have that kinda grades, your education fee is not a worry anymore. It's not like that. I mean, I'm not trying to flaunt and rub it in other people's faces, I'm just illustrating that even we have problems. And sometimes, I feel like just telling my parents I want to lead a life that is not so high-flying, that their and the relatives' expectations(maybe not so beign for the relatives) are suffocating me. That I'm giving up school to go to a dance academy to dance my life away. I feel like solving this tangle like that. But I'm too cowardly. I can already hear what the parents have to say,what my brother have to say.what my relatives would comment. "What a waste.""That's so stupid!""Why would you go do something like that when you have that kind of grades?" But that's what I really want. Why don't they care?The work("Are you sure you can call that work???") might sound frivolous, but it's what I enjoy, and I can see myself doing that while I am still able to, physically. Still, "there's no future for this kind of thing!".

3.It's my darling Shuling's birthday!!saeng-il chug-ha habnida~ grow prettier everyday, and find your niche at whatever school you are going to okay!you smart bitch can surely beat the rest hands down.even if we are not going to see each other very often next time, you're room in my heart is always kept empty and dust free for you :)

4. I've been emo-ing for the past few days. It's not even that kind of productive emo-ism,the "I'm so emo I can sing sad songs with loads of feel" nor the "I'm so emo I could kuso a song.". nope, it has to be the "I'm emo-ing~lala pay attention to me". I'm such an attention whore. It's starting to disgust me, the amount of self-centredness I have, and yet it's so difficult to rein that side of me in. There's always a louder voice saying "Whuuut the hell, I don't care~"

5. You know how some people say that it's really sad if you had to hide your true self behind a mask for the world to see? I think the saddest is that you are just layers and layers of masks stacked together to be switched around according to situations, and your true self is just a bland sentient clump of colourless intellect. Those people have no "true self", nothing to assure them that they are actually of this particular personality. Their masks dictates how they act; the masks are them. :(

6. Idk why I keep getting a fragrance on my desk at home, when I'm not wearing any perfume, and the bottles are kept away in my cupboard.weird.

7. Elections are finally over. All the noisy vans can retire for 5 years(can they claim CPF yet?), before the next election comes around. Congrats to the candidates voted in, especially the worker's party's 6 representatives. Please do a good job, and remember that hard work is needed through all 5 years of your term, not just 3 months before and after the elections. Also note the way the votes have swung. I hope the party recognises that this means the people are getting less happy. Address whatever are the citizens' concerns,and we'll still see you 5 years later; if not, well, be prepared for the People's Mandate. We lost 2 good ministers during this round, and we gained a dubious MP. I think people are finding that the GRC method is becoming less agreeable with them, especially for the Marine Parade contest. However, let's give her a chance,even though many might be disappointed that Nation's Darling Nicole Seah isn't in. After all, the votes are there already, and despite the ruckus online, we're pretty fixed with her.

8. THE FREAKING WEATHER!See, colleagues, that's why we must recycle the pile of papers we dump everyday. If not, we're going to hate the weather almost everyday. And I'm starting to hate living in the tropics. I know we get sun and everything everyday, but with the heat and humidity, I think I'm partial to migrating too. To somewhere less humid, and with fashionable clothes for the 4 seasons. Like Osaka,Japan. Or Seoul, South Korea. Oh damn who am I kidding,trying to be all nonchalent? Just Seoul, South Korea, okay?Happy?

Alright, that looks like all. I've been rambling on and on, and now I'm going to listen to my jjong croon softly into my ear. ^.^ (jjong is my newest obsession)

think again. 12:03 AM

2.25.2011

Hello:)

I guess I've been living in my own little universe these few months. It's a pretty nice place. Not much stress, nobody to compete with, nothing to truly bother my head about---at least none that I allowed them to bother.

This universe is spiraling fast into a black hole though, and like all black holes, it is irresistible, even though it's a figurative one. I can only watch the inevitable happen.

My self-constructed universe will collapse with the coming of results, and I will have to thrust myself back into the competitive society as (hopefully) an undergrad, vying for scholarships with most of our nation's best, no longer floating around peacefully in "meditation"(not much that I thought about anyway). I'll miss this state of unthinking oblivation and the calm it slowly brought about for the past two months.

Doomsday is now looming ever nearer. Every time I think about it, I get this funny feeling in my stomach, and I can't seem to fall asleep at night.Instead, I kept thinking about how I should have started revision earlier, and with a better plan, with a more focussed mind instead of stoning when I should have been studying. I would lie awake and wish that I had less confidence in my natural ability, and had worked a little harder. Regrets that i cannot do anything about, regrets flowing into my mind at such a rate that efforts of stemming the flow are ineffectual.

I've realised that the fog clears with the arrival of my results also(damn, why does everything hinge upon my results???). Scholarship,career choices...they mean nothing if I don't get enough As. And if I really don't get enough As.....well, there's still FASS.or the application for a second sitting.

Work for the past two months was...can I say, a refreshing experience? It's my first peek into the working life, and although it's rather sheltered still(kids aren't as difficult as, say, picky clients), I've seen enough to be able to extrapolate to the real world. And I don't quite like what I see.But was I too hasty in quitting?True, I detested the environment and how the staff are so inefficient and unmotivated to do their job well, but it's not easy looking for work.I need money, and it's not going to come tumbling into my lap when I'm sitting in front of the computer all day. I guess I might look for another job soon, as soon as those mandatory interviews and open houses are over.

Recently the people around me are facing relationship woes. I guess I am too, but there are just some things that you know you can't do anything about it at the moment, whether it's out of pride or just hurt feelings. Perhaps some time away from each other might do much more good than forced interactions. I'm glad that another group of friends I have are doing much better,though. Treasure these little pockets of joy,whether expected or unexpected, and those would probably be sufficient to tide over rougher times.

Perhaps it's been a long time since I actually put down my thoughts into words. So this entry might seem a little incoherent and emotionless. I'm working on it though.

And Times Magazine, can you quit sending me issues every week, since I've already decided to discontinue my subscription? Also, I've nowhere to store them anymore, my cupboard is already full of your editions, in various states of unread. Some of them have already been used as coasters.

think again. 7:28 AM

12.31.2010

2010 is leaving,and making way for 2011.

This year, is spent with plentiful laughter, tears, sweat and blood, and a thousand emotions churned into a big box of memories. And now,this box marked "2010" is about to be sealed and stored in that musty room somewhere in my cerebral cortex. A new box is being prepared,stamped with "2011".

Somehow, this year's passing ignited a sense of nostalgia that is unprecedented. Perhaps this crossing carries more meaning than those of previous years. This year, is my last year as a protected youngster. This year is the last of my childhood. Next year, the responsibilities that comes with adulthood would be draped onto my shoulders, whether I'm ready for them or not. Next year, I no longer stay shielded in school or at home.

It's the crossroads. and the situation isn't made better by the afore mentioned blackout, leading to me grasping at the last few wisp of the year,trying to stop the sands of time from trickling through my finger. What a fool. Time is the master, not me.

Look forward. Nobody can live in the past, no matter how much they want to, no matter how beautiful it was. Cling all you want, but the present might turn into something unpleasant if you do.

What does the future hold then? I'm straining my eyes to look past the grey haze that covers the future. Trying to make out the writings on a wordless signboard. Cowering from the sudden appearance of trees in the shadows, whose long and spindly branches reach out to me, grabbing me, entwining me in their gnarled embace....sounds like a nightmare? Feels like a nightmare.

Advices, advices. I appreciate, and tried to follow, them. To live one day as it is, to not think too far into the future, to do things I enjoy now...what is it that is preventing me from living like that?

See now, I had in mind to celebrate the passing of this year,yet I'm rambling about what I already covered in the previous post. Sign of Alzheimer's, or ADHD.

Anyway, to all my friends, a happy new year.

My new year wish?

Start doing the things you think should be done, and start being what you think society should become.
Do you believe in free speech? Then speak freely.
Do you love the truth? Then tell it.
Do you believe in an open society? Then act in the open.
Do you believe in a decent and humane society? Then behave decently and humanely.

- Adam Michnik

think again. 4:27 AM

12.23.2010

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my way.

A's are over, nothing very trying to burden me for the next 8 months. I should be flying around everyday, looking for places to have fun, to entertain myself, to live.

Yet my life now is far from that. After A's, I don't know what happened, or what caused it, but I got lost. I don't know who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, what is expected from me.

For the first time in my life, I seem to have lost my sense of direction.

Since young, I have always had an aim/several aims in life, that I move,whether slowly and impeccably or stampeding with haste, towards. It might be something small, like acing a test, or something big, like the next education institute to go to. These goals might vary from time to time, might change subtly, or swing drastically in a totally different direction, but I always had something to work towards. That would be my lighthouse, and even when all else is dark, all I had to do was to keep my eye on the beacon. The possibilities of meeting an obstacle becomes inconsequential; there was no doubt that I'll reach my destination, because I have my friends, my family, and everything I was equipped with at birth, or acquired through my journey.

But along the way(or suddenly;either way,I know not), I realised that my guides have disappeared. I'm left wholly in the dark, stranded at a point, with no inkling of where to head to,not daring to take a single step because suddenly, the paths all around seem more treacherous and risky than before. Never have I felt more terrified than I do now. A person who was always moving in the light,suddenly has to accustom to navigating in the dark.

And I realised that I am more alone and helpless than I thought I was. Everything that I had when I had a goal, now become meaningless, because what use is there when you cannot see? In the dark, I have nothing.

Somehow, somewhere, I lost my way.

And I'm still trying to find it.

think again. 4:01 AM

12.01.2010

"I dont want to walk this earth if I'm gotta do it solo"

-----------"Solo" by IYAZ

After months of being cooped up forcibly due to national exams and other crap, and now I have the freedom to go where ever I want,do what ever I want to do, eat anything I want to eat(well,not exactly.I want to ingest food laden with tons of saturated and trans-fats).

And I choose to award myself for all the hard work by cooping myself at home, watching "My Girlfriend is a Gumiho(that's 9-tailed fox for all those out there)",and watch my pallid face getting even more "pallid-er" from the lack of exposure to the glorious sun's rays.

Don't mistake me,there are TONS of stuff I want to do,like getting to some weird ulu place to sample a little-known-but-very-delicious restaurant fare;get my arse down to orchard and strut around window shopping;learn how to drive;find some dance classes to join;work out in the gym;go swimming....

It's just that whenever something pops into my head,they are accompanied by thoughts of "I don't have anything presentable to wear","my shoes are spoilt","nobody is going with me,so i'll look like a loser walking down orchard byh myself","I'm going out tomorrow,so I better stay in today so as not to antagonize my parents", "I hate running","I have to babysit my gma's maid","I haven't gotten my swimming costume yet","I have no money to fund this","I need to study......no wait,that's in the past now.oh well.i don't feel like leaving the house".....

And so I sit down in front of the computer,and watch "My Girlfriend is a Gumiho". It's a really nice drama,with a good and refreshing plot.I cried while reading the synopsis. And stop laughing.

The point is,I am sick of staying at home all day with me.I'm so irritating that I can't stand me.I would say, let's go search for any potential intern opportunities, and I would retort that it's too freaking early,I'm only planning to start work in January,so let's watch Gumiho.And I and I will watch Gumiho together,and cry about it.

okay,so let's make a list then!

1. I shall pick up at least one tuition kid for a steady income(so that my parents will get off my case) and that'll fund my spending.But I think I'll need 2,given the way I spend.

2. I shall visit the gym/swimming pool at least twice a week.(not really possible)

3. I shall provide (not very)useful suggestions for ruiyun's choreo for the WI,and try not to be a giant gooseberry everytime.

4. I shall go and contact all my seniors and go drink tea and pretend we are tai tai-es.I still remember then that everyone wanted to be one.tai tai I mean.

5. I shall stay in touch with all my secondary school mates and JC mates by asking them out to go to the library and read books with me.

6. I shall go chalet and get tipsy but not so drunk that I babble everything out(a little help from my friends for this one). And I shall keep sihua and alcohol apart.

7.I shall go into rehab for good,and try not to get hooked on addictive and (semi)damaging things in the future(lemon pops are fine^^)Anyway,my medication ends on the day I leave nj for good,so no point thinking about it too much.

8. I shall try to go volunteer at some orphanage or hospitals or something,because I might as well make good use of my time.anyone wanna come along?

9. I badly wanna go overseas or something,go on a holiday!!!anyone wanna come cruise with me?

10. I shall end this list coz I'm getting real bored about it.

I can't blog anymore because I'm so distracted and bored.

Anyways, my pet phrase of the month is, "Every girl has a slut within"

Doesn't mean I'll start acting all slutty in this month where eggnog flow freely, but just thought that everyone should never judge people by their cover,and ignore the deeper feelings within those people.

think again. 6:11 AM

10.01.2010

They would never understand what it is like to spend every minute of the day putting in effort to not be sad.
They will never know what it feels like to want to stop breathing, just so that the misery will also finally stop.
They will never know the fear and the horror at realizing that the bad memories that plagued them for 3 years and going might be back.
But finally, they will never, ever know how much I want to dive into someone’s arms and cry for hours, just like back when I was young, and crying was okay.

think again. 8:45 AM

9.26.2010

(Via Jesse Garcia)

CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!

My internet is finally repaired!!!!!actually, I changed my laptop to a newer one, that can link up to my wireless without the screwy lan card. And i don't deserve it,since the reason the lan card was screwy must have been because I did something to it.

(Via longlivethestupid)

Life after prelims are exciting after the long dry spell of mugging in libraries-- ttytt,a little too exciting for a person about to take her A's.

Went out with GH,Will,JW to *scape kbox on friday. Its newly opened,so we thought it'll be a good idea to go try it out. Further more, since it's new, there'll be less holes in the sofa, broken glass on seats, those sort of things. Turns out we didn't choose wrongly!it's by far the best decorated kbox outlet and the interior design is rather cool too! We didn't have to pay an exorbitant amount of money, because it's $13+ for an hour per room, and we split the cost, so end up paying around $7.20 each, for two hours of singing. Of course, that's with member's discount and everything, so those non-members might end up paying a little more than this.

It was really fun, and a new experience to be singing with people not from my clique, and i have to say i sang horribly (because of the curry puff and the Koi on thurs), but it wasn't a bad experience.I was thoroughly entertained by the sight of three grown men dancing to SNSD songs and screaming sho nu shi dae!!! like crazy people, and we end up tweaking the key change so the pitch fluctuated like crazy. All in all, a uber entertaining afternoon with three dudes =) (but next time i'll still be going with my girlfriends.pitch is similar.)

Went orchard again on saturday on a quest for a new pair of shoes with my dear Indri. Initially planned to take only the afternoon off, but ended up staying in orchard late into the night. I didn't mean to, just that.....i dropped my IC and Ez-link card in orchard. I didn't even know exactly when i dropped it, and just strutted around orchard happily shopping. It was only at approximately at 5.30pm, when we were preparing to leave Wendy's where indri was eating her beef chili,to head home, when i discovered my card holder with my Ez-link and IC was missing. therefore, i spent the next 1 and a half hours backtracking where i've been to, leaving my contact number all around the shops in an effort to get them to contact me if they see anything. Indri had to go off to meet her mom's friend, then her dear steven, but that wonderful wonderful girl came back after that to accompany me trouping round the shops to search for my cards. I feel sooooo apologetic pulling her from her date and everything!!and in the end, when i walked around Borders, Orchard ION, Takashimaya and Wisma Atria four times, and about to give up hope even as we went towards far east,I found the god-damned thing in the first shop that I went into that morning to try on a pair of shoes. The owner was soooooooooo kind; they were going to mail the thing back to me(they passed me the entire envelope, with my name and address written on it and the thing inside)!! I was so touched, and they even refused to let me pay for the wasted stamp and envelope!!!I was so so relieved at having my IC back. and i swear my next pair of shoes will come from there. I mean, I was so freaked out I didn't even dare to pick up my dad's call.

I had a great time overall though, with the relief experienced at the end making up for the panic I felt before that, and had a wonderful time walking around orchard talking, looking and trying out accessories, strutting around (inside) the stores in super duper high heels(This is one of the few occasions I really hate being tall;It's so glam wearing heels and everything.Especially when they are >7cm in height) and having the other patrons shooting dirty looks at me because it's pretty obvious I don't need them to be tall(actually I think this is my favorite part, the dirty looks thing.its so fun to piss people off). Even though I think I was a little selfish in that I went around looking at more of what I want to look for rather than an equal share of what we both wanted, I swear I have done a full reflection of my narcissism and it won't happen again!Even losing my cards turn out to be a good thing, since I found it back, and walking all around orchard for 1 1/2 hours has definitely shaped my legs(pity I wasn't wearing heels, just for that extra toning of muscles)

Went over to my aunt's house for steamboat today.wasn't really fun since I was still a little exhausted from yesterday's shopping, and kind of zoned out. Still, I met my new baby cousin, and made friends with the older one, since the last time I saw him he was still crying whenever someone so much as looked at him. I guess being a brother has made him a more matured 2-year-old. Initially had the chance to watch the F1 race today, but I never saw the appeal of sitting there in the din watching for cars that are going so fast you can hardly see them, and ttytt, I rather pig out at the steamboat table.

So it was basically another weekend wasted. I'm really dreading the return of my papers.I mean, I know I didn'[t do well (look at my math), but it's another thing to have it thrown in your face.

Oh wells.I should just go and get the nail polish off my fingers and prepare for a horrible week and non-stop mugging for the next 40 plus days.

Wish me luck.

/edit: And I decided, I want a bikini set. It gives me the motivation to stick to my diet plan, that one day, I can put on that thing with confidence. Yay Indri lets go bikini shopping after A's!!

think again. 7:04 AM

9.20.2010

I'm sick of studying.If i see another piece of paper about nicotine, i will projectile vomit to infinity and beyond.Projectile? URGHH.

I hate this. And by "this", I mean:

1)standing up after physics to the sound of whooping and joyful discussions about post-prelims destination, and still I am unable to join them-YET.

2)Packing my bag after physics to go home and mug for this idiotic subject which I just come to realise only insane people take(and I am one of them) while for other people, studying is clearly the last thing on their mind-at least for now.

3)Walking out of the side gate alone because some babes have GAMES IN SCHOOL while some byotches have lunch/retail therapy to attend.

4)Alighting 3 stops later than the one I usually alight because I thought the Koi Cafe that's opening at clementi Ave 3 opens today. Apparently, the information is incorrect. Thanks so much you soon-to-be-fellow-red-head-byotch.

5)Walking home in the sweltering heat and greeted by an over-enthusiastic father who thinks I'm suppose to have a cheerful deposition.I don't know why.Didn't ask. Don't want to.

6)Finding out my perfume is leaking through the nozzle.Damn.No wonder its only $38 for 150ml.

7)Realising my internet "Prolink wireless lan card" does not exist when it is blatantly sticking out the back of my laptop, orange light flashing defiantly at me.Had to resort to using up some of my precious 12GB from my phone data plan to go online.

8)Having tons of food in the fridge due to parents stocking up with food from M'sia, which they went over the weekend.It's like WWIII is coming or something. Good in the sense that I will not starve to death. Bad in the sense that I will stuff to death.

9)Realising that from 1200 hrs (when I arrived home) to 1700hrs, I have not cracked open a single book/lecture note.I think I truly deserve annihilation via mechanisms.

10)Feeling that I should have dropped this DAMNED subject immediately after common test, like some of my smarter seniors did a year(or two, can't remember) ago.

11)Having to care about those miniscular things. I don't care about antibacterials, analgesics and stimulants. Really.Erm maybe except caffeine and codiene. And Prozac.but we don't study that kind of drugs anyway.Prozac I mean. Which reminds me that I am suppose to forget about Prozac, and go into rehab, but it isn't easy,trust me.

I know, I'm whinging while there are a couple dozen people with the same fate,but they are using their time effectively to study while here i am whining away like a broken sewing machine. And yes, I'm suppose to study hard and not let Mr Yip down and prove that CM3I Can Make It.I dunno. Whatever. Forget it.

Some positive stuff then:

1)My hair smells nice!after using herbal essence shampoo in liberal amounts, the smell of "Break's over" have been wafting to my nose every now and then. And I just love it. I really need to smell nice, it's like a make up for the visual non-attractiveness. At least I can pass off the smell of my body shower or my Ferragamo Incanto Shine as my personal pheromones(fat hope).

2)Since I'm in rehab, and Prozac is a banned substance(for me), I spotted a Lemon Pop in the national library during one of our study sessions. Shallow, I know, but hey, a girl needs her entertainment.
3)I decided I want to work at Koi after graduating from high school. I like the drink, and I can work cashier(it looks simple enough) and its close to home.Save up for taiwan also.

4)Prelims are ALMOST over! and...

5)I'm going to start studying now and quit wasting my precious 12GB data.REALLY :)

think again. 7:18 AM

8.29.2010

This happens when you fall in love, but there is nothing to break the fall, so you land chest first, and it hurts more than anything you know.

So why is the government still getting the singles outside to meet people and go on dates?

In the Sunday Times today, lifestyle section, there was a full page about the initiative of the government to look for media and advertising companies to promote their social development unit.Some interviewees, including the dude called Mr Brown (who's actually a Singaporean Chinese and not an expat from the Great Britain, for those unfamiliar with him) who suggested perks for couples and additional income tax for singles. While this article was published in the lifestyle section of the Sunday Times, and hence the underlying motive to amuse rather than inform, but a publication on a full page in the news (regardless of the section) is bound to attract attention, and would consist of a tiny essence of truth in it(thanks, GP content package on the media) however tiny. Who knows, this is probably a mini project set out to test the waters about this issue, and a prelude to a "Love-for-Everyone-Yes-I-Mean-Everyone-Even-You-With-the-Bad-Attitude-And-Ugly-Nose" Campaign.

Not particularly attacking anyone here, but I feel that this train of thought is rather dangerous, and I might be really wary of it, if you'd pardon my cynicism.

1. The article has an idea of promoting dating like how we promote patriotism (hanging of love flags like how we hang our nation's flag during national month) or grandparents day. The prickly issue with love is that unlike for the nation or for our grandparents, the affection and attraction for other singles were not built upon over the course of our entire lives. It's like how my H3 teacher said about my arrow pushing. Random whacking of individuals together with minimal knowledge about their likes and dislikes, interests and habits. In other words, "horrible drawings with zero marks," my teacher said.

2. Providing perks of being in a relationship and penalizing singlehood may not be a good message to get across. Take the example of an income tax levied on a single versus the tax rebate on a couple, for instance. To avoid being taxed, singles would just enter into a relationship for a tax rebate. What the government is trying to do, is to internalise the external cost of being a single, and the external benefits of being in a relationship, by imposing a market-based intervention policy (thank you Mr Goh, Ms Gao and the econs department for all those essay outlines and notes). however, allowing the price mechanism to do its job may not be the best solution.If taxes are imposed too heavily, there will be a mis-adjustment of the consumption of relationships.there will be a overconsumption of relationships, against the will of middle to lower income holders as they would not want to reduce their earnings. People hence enter into the relationship not because of feelings, but because they see relationships as commodities to be obtained for a particular purpose. Is that reasonable?when relationships are supposed to be all about two people being swept away by a whirlwind of romance, it is now just a means to an end. It brings new meaning to the phrase "friends with benefits" and I haven't even begin aproper to expound on the negative influence it will bring to our future generation, the divorce rates, the happiness of people who are together with people they don't really like, the rashness of some decisions...you get my drift.

3. Is it reasonable?is it sane to have a society that grows to disdain singles so that the singles feel uncomfortable to remain so, and as a result, join a social network to unstigmatized themselves? Why should singles not happily remain so, if they cannot find love, but choose to go out of their way just to meet strangers in social networks like the ones in the article? What about those who believe in fate and red threads drawn by some dude called Yue Lao who lives in the skies? Those who don't want to be rushed? Those who take time to grow fond of each other? Those who crave a different and unique love experience? I foresee a dinner party sometime in the future that goes like this:

Dude #1: "Hey,got married recently?"

Dude #2:"Yah! Neh,that's my wife."

Dude #1:"Wow she's really elegant. Where did you meet her?"

Dude #2:"At the social development networking session lo."

Dude #1"I met my wife like that too!"

Dude #3: (overhearing) "Oh what a coincidence, me too!"

Dude #4: (joining in) " I met my girlfriend at the bookstore!"

Dudes #1, #2, #3:(give him odd looks) "Is that a place to meet a girl?"

And after a couple enter into a relationship, will they be recorded in a great brown book(or spreadsheet) of current couples in Singapore so that we can keep track how many potential married couples we'll be expecting? Why do we need to turn entering into a relationship" into "entering into a pre-marriage"? Maybe we'll have a ROR beside the ROM. Cool? Maybe not. Do you want the administration to know how often you change a guy/girl?

I'm not saying I'm wiser than our government, merely pointing out areas that we might want to tiptoe around. After all, we can't teach love, and we really don't want other materialistic motives to come between us and our happiness, do we?

think again. 12:49 AM

7.31.2010

飞鸟与鱼

世界上最遥远的距离

不是我不能说我爱你

而是想你痛彻心脾

却只能深埋心底

泰戈爾之作 <飞鸟与鱼>

人,总会有难齿之事,而往往为了这些事烦心.

就如此醉生梦死地虚度光阴,但还是可以理解的.

虽然生命中还有种种琐事等待着我们去处理,可遇上了某些人生经历,也难免会彻底改变一个人的思绪和观看人生的角度.有时,这种经历能让一个平时敏俐的聪明人,瞬间化成一个木头.好可怕啊!

还是觉得不论在什么情况下,人多少也要保住理智.若是全心全意的付出,换来的却只是一场空,可就太不值得了.

有些事,就象照片里所描述的一样.外头的风景再夺目,再美丽,如果无法将窗户打开,它是无法真正的属于你.即使风景看起来多么的靠近,多么的的触手可及,它始终和你是两个世界的东西,就象飞鸟与鱼一样,如果成天朝思暮盼,到头来,吃苦的,受罪的,不会是根本都不知道你存在的风景,而是自己.

话说回来了,你们大概都不知道我能用华语PO部落格吧.一定都把我认定是个全全透透的"potato".只是,我还蛮想念用华语来沟通了.也许以后也该常这样.

P.S.以上的内容纯粹本人的意见,若有冒犯,请多见谅,因为我只是坐井观天罢了.

think again. 10:03 AM

7.30.2010

Love is a scary and horrid thing,but it brings the sweetest memories.

I've learnt that you can't help who you fall for, and no matter how hard you try and how much it hurts you, everyday you just want to be with them or just talk to them and you can never stop trying to make them happy because that's what keeps you going. - via runawaytrain

I've been on a blogging hiatus, it's only so sudden that i decided to resume writing and logging down recent thoughts.

I've never been a good one with writing, if only due to my inability to remember anything that happened more than 3 minutes ago.Much has to do with the failure to keep up with my processor in my cranium, and yes, I am but two of me; one intellectually fast, and the other painfully slow.

From the meeting this afternoon with a certain lackwit and another...(no words to describe), i can only say that there is no way you can predict love(either that or things are just too convenient). I mean, what to say when you see people looking at each other, and you know, unequivocally, that they mean something special to each other, even if it was just for that instant. Which is why I really hate going out with couples; they make you feel so uncomfortable and it feels like an intrusion on your part when they talk to each other, and share something that is only known between the two of them. They do try to include, sometimes, but any individual would know, clear as glass, that they are sitting alone at a table of friends. I think I recently experienced that.more like the feeling of being ignored. I don't really like it, and I don't think the person noticed, but I kind of understand, because every moment not spent looking at a special someone, especially when the occasion is so far and few between, would be one moment less of special memories just between the two of you. I don't know if you realised, or realised I realised, but I just want to say, I really understand.

Life seem to be playing a cruel trick on me. Why let me experience the easy life before the hard? Yet it seem extremely unfair to say that, because some had nothing. I guess all i can do is to be grateful, and take my own future into my own hands. After all, who can you rely on, in the end, apart from yourself?

lastly,

just being random, but i hope people out there would gather solace from this.

think again. 6:09 AM

7.01.2010

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Bubba

This was meant to be a joke, but i found it extremely sweet and sad...i bet the FBI gave Bubba hell when they found out they've been cheated.and he did it anyway because he love his dad and want to carry out his duties as a son.that's sooooo sweet..

think again. 9:06 AM

6.13.2010

The view from the person sitting inside, looking out, is drastically different from the one outside looking in.
I just happened to look through blogs today, and what i saw really opened my eyes up. These are just personal thoughts about life experience in general and NOT about anyone i know or anything.

Sometimes we've got to look at both sides of a coin. There are things where, when we hear about it from others, seem to be entirely the opposition's fault,or both parties are blameless.but it's human nature to present yourself in the best possible light, and sway your listeners to your side. That is what we studied in GP that's called biasness.

I only just realised how important it is to not allow this to sway you or to cloud your judgement. While we are comforting people whom we thought were the victims, the ones who were really hurting from the incident sits alone,picking up the pieces by themselves. And what of friends who put themselves in a better light and unintentionally(or otherwise) hurt someone else?should we judge based on our loyalties, or our senses when we listen to both sides?(well, both try to sway you; its up to you to judge for yourself.)and the damage doesn't always fall in the way your friends claim.

but you won't know how much hurt the other person is feeling really, just by the account of one,because they might want to downplay it. one might be saying that the lying was deliberate and all that, but the other party might have lied to protect the first. Who are we all to judge based on a one-sided story?

Anyway, all the debating seem inconsequential. Fact is: before we jump to judge something, we might want to make sure that we truly understand what is going on before coming to a conclusion. Otherwise, we'll just end up feeling stupid and cheated, but with nobody to blame except for ourselves for our own gullibility.

think again. 7:05 AM